part of me has always hated self-help stuff. part of me knows that it’s the best dealio out there. i’ve taken a long break from this blog but now i’m ready to do it again. this time with slightly new eyes.
the main reason i think blogging is important is not because every sentence one utters is mind blowingly amazing, but it’s a reminder that the act of writing is important. and when you see someone else blogging and taking their thoughts seriously, i think it’s a good thing. it helps you do the same.
in some ways, i am so tired. soooooooo tired of my life being the way it is. predictable. same job. same house. same situation. it’s winter. it’s dark. i don’t like it. at the same time, i know that it doesn’t matter where you are and how much money you have and how fancy your stuff is, if you don’t enjoy you and yourself then the surroundings don’t matter. you have to enjoy yourself.
so it starts with you. can you enjoy you? are you proud of you? do you like you? and sometimes you have to learn or relearn how to toot your own horn because as you get older you don’t necessarily have a parent or coach or partner or bff always there to root you on. you have to learn how to do it for yourself. it sounds cheesy and dumb and annoying but you really have to do it. you have to learn how to be your own cheerleader.
so excuse my vanity now but i’m going to try to toot my own horn, as weird and awkward as this may sound.
- i’m good at making an instant latte: instant espresso powder and heated up milk on the stove. it makes less noise in the morning and it’s fast.
- if i get enough sleep and time to myself, i am a very patient person. if i don’t, i turn into a sourpuss. but when i do, i am really good at spouting self-help affirmations and advice whether people want to hear it or not. i believe self help affirmations are better than me yelling at people and i think they would agree.
- i like and i’m pretty good at talking to pretty much anyone. except maybe that homeless person wielding a sharp object but other than that i can talk to pretty much all folks. except maybe my old boss who had a beehive and a shrill voice and who wore outfits that i’d never be caught dead in and who made me feel very small and who i had absolutely zero in common with in terms of a sense of humor. but everyone else, yes.
- i’m pretty good at complimenting myself.
- i like writing and i do it quite a bit. occasionally i say something funny or deep stuff. much of the other time it’s just dribble drabble but somehow or another people put up with it or at least my friends are nice enough to just let me ramble on and do my own thing because i’m not generally hurting anyone with it. and for those whose eyes or ears i do hurt with it, well… no one is forcing them to read it. so if you’re one of those people, stop reading this. thanks.
- i like dmitri martin. a lot. and i just realized that i am now starting to sound like dmitri martin. but, you can’t help imitating your mentors, you know? your idols? i didn’t do this on purpose. i just loved pretty much every chapter he wrote in his book this is a book so somehow, like the actor that i am, i internalized it. so sue me. but please actually don’t sue me. i’m really writing this on my own and i promise to combine my style with his eventually to forge it into something new. i promise. please.
- i really am good at doing nothing. some people aren’t. some people need a plan. a direction. a purpose. a goal. an itemized ‘to do’ list for every day of their life. if i didn’t have to worry about money or anyone besides myself, i would have NO TROUBLE keeping myself entertained 24/7 and it would definitely involve zero plan making. plan making is for the birds. and, to be honest, i don’t even think they like it very much.
- i’m ready to start living the rest of my life.
- i really love lists. they separate your thoughts better than periods or paragraph breaks.
- but this is not an itemized list. no way jose! i don’t like ‘to do’ lists. not at all. nada.
- i am a really good procrastinator (i don’t even know what the theme of this list is anymore… maybe that’s a good thing). but i did learn something powerful recently. when asking a friend how she deals with her pile of things to do every day, she said, ‘you just have to do it.’ sound familiar? i didn’t realize she was using a variation of the Nike motto at the time so it had more of an impact on me than the Nike motto ever has had. just do it. it really makes a lot of sense. like right now. i don’t want to do it. i want to do what i’m doing. but in a few minutes, if i do want i want to do right now for a while, then i will DO IT. i really will. i know what i have to do and i don’t want to do it but knowing that i had some of my own real fun for awhile, then i’ll do the annoying stuff and just through it. that’s the best trick i know for combating annoying stuff you have to do.
- i’m running out of things to add to this list, but i’m not ready TO DO IT yet.
- i’m going to go check the heading of this list again to refresh my memory, get new ideas, etc.
- oh yeah, tooting my own horn. that’s what i’m supposed to be doing. hmmmm. let’s see. what else? i’m good at rambling. i’m good at meandering. i’m good at diversions. i’m good at deluding myself. i’m good at ignoring stuff that’s annoying. i’m good at going inside myself and burrowing there to hide from annoying stuff. i’m running out of things… i’m….. going……. to…….. do…………..IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i’m going to make gluten free cheesecake and nobody can stop me because even though alexander graham bell apparently said, “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us,” i say that if one door closes you’ve got several options: 1) get a locksmith to open the door, 2) watch a silly animal video on youtube while plopped in front of the door, 3) make a cheesecake, 4) clean the tops of your cabinets that are full of dusty stickiness and you’ll feel like you accomplished something even though nobody will ever see or appreciate the work you’ve done (you’ll know you did it and that’s all that matters), 5) remember that being alone and bored is the seedbed of creativity because you will finally remember who you really are on the inside and you’ll self actualize sooner, 6) start digging a hole to get under the door and when you’re doing that discover something amazing like that extra key to your car that you thought you had lost, 7) write your great american novel you’ve been meaning to get around to, 8) take a shower and get some more sources of inspiration that you feel compelled to post immediately to facebook for no good reason other than it’s another way of avoiding doing more annoying grading, 9) remember that when you were 9 you were at your peak so savor that and try to cultivate that sense of inner peace throughout your day and life. the end.
These are some things I have right now and I am glad to have and that when I focus on them, I stop thinking that my life is anything less than grand just the way it is:
- A nice bed with just the right assortment of blankets and pillows
- Two dogs that like to sleep with me and keep me warm which is especially nice since my bedroom is downstairs and gets colder than the rest of the house.
- No aches or pains really. Just a twitch in my eye occasionally but I think that is from not going to bed early enough. I’m going to work on that.
- My love of writing and my ability to savor being alone more and more without worrying because I do feel a wide net of loving people but I also realize that if I am going to get any of the 1001 things I want to get done in my life then I need some time alone to think and create and organize and strategize.
- A cat that likes to snuggle with me especially in the morning.
- My dream that someday I will be a slightly sarcastic but never bombastic life coach.
- My other dream that I will publish something that somebody somewhere pays to read. It doesn’t have to be much. It could be 10 cents but it has to be somebody who doesn’t know me (even though I am super grateful for my super supportive family and friends) but there is something magical about somebody who doesn’t even know you wanting to read words that you strung together on a whim and a cup of java. I don’t know why, but it is.
- [At this point, I should probably say I am done with my list but I am determined to go beyond the normal threshold and push myself to seek something deeper.]
- The morning. I used to be a morning person when I was a kid. Then I grew up and went to college and partied and got crazy and stayed up late a lot and then I had kids and that really turned me into a night owl because kids get up early and if I wanted time to myself I had to stay up late but now my kids are older and they sleep in so I am starting to have my mornings back and I like it.
- Long sentences. I really like long sentences. I don’t know why I do other than I like the challenge of constructing a really long thought without it toppling over. It’s like building a house of cards. I like to see how high I can get before it stops making sense anymore. I can get pretty high, I would say. And not even with MaryJane.
- I have to have it around. On YouTube videos when I need a pick-me-up in the morning. Mid-afternoon if I need to force myself to stop being a workaholic and remember that little things matter. Laughing is more important than sex (sometimes).
- I love feeling the pain in my muscles. I need to do it more but what I’m happy about now (I’m tired of the word ‘grateful’) is that at least I know that I need and want more of it because I know it will make me happier.
- Simple things. I read the news, I try to keep up with the latest movies and music and trends but ultimately what I know I do best is notice and savor little things. It’s like people who are porn junkies. There was a study that was done (yup, another nameless study but I promise this one was from a reputable source – some guy who has a PhD in psychology, Ariel something or other) that showed that the endless variety and novelty of porn stimulates the brain so much that it becomes numb to ordinary sex and it becomes hard (well ‘soft’) to get turned on by less-than-perfect bodies having less-than-idealized sex. I say it’s the same dealio with life. If you can never unplug and just be with the little moments, then how can you ever really be happy with your life because MY life is definitely not as perfect, exciting, endlessly changing, tantalizingly rapid-fierily witty, and sophisticated as the slick images that parade across the internet every day.
So yesterday we got to visit a lot of animals… and family! Haha but some people (and maybe some animals) may not want to be written about so… I’m still going to just write about animals.
We got to visit ‘Fig,’ the very large, voluptuous and heaving purring cat. It was very hard to stop petting Fig. He sat in his room waiting for his owner and he had the biggest yellow eyes and calico fur (that almost looked yellow in patches). Very hard to put down.
And then there was Bruce. Bruce is so big! When he wants you to pet him, he drags his claws gently but heavily across your knee, thigh, shin, arm, or anything. Then, if you rub the top of his tush, he really loves it and if you stop then he starts moving his tush back and forth, pushing his butt against your leg until you keep your hand moving.
And then there was Oso. OH SO beautiful a dog! With a permanent look of shock on his face. Oso is oh so smart. He likes to dance and play. When our friend started to dance near him, he – being a Border Collie – started to jump up and bow down on his front legs and then jump as high as he could to herd his owner into place.
And then Toruk. The most gentle, beautiful princess of a queen that ever was. So quiet and meek. She notices everything and she goes wherever she is told to go. Faster than a puma, sleek as a jaguar, and her lithe, tan little body is dipped in chocolate brown sauce on her nose and eyelids.
And Candace. Big, muscular, calico cow-colored Candace. She has a pointy snout and big eyes and is very strong. She likes to walk by you and tempt you to pick her up. It doesn’t take much to make you pick her up. Candy Candace.
I am setting myself the following achievable tasks:
- each week I will post at least something on my blog.
- i’m going to aim for it appearing on Mondays but I can’t always promise that (i’m a mom and that’s my excuse and i’m sticking to it)
- i’m going to try to edit things before I post them. this doesn’t mean I care a jot about capitalization and punctuation though. I still believe in the virtue of undecorated, dressed down prose (because i’m lazy but also because it encourages other people to let their hair down and write rather than thinking everything has to be picture perfect all the time) but yes sometimes I will clean it up as well.
- this is my reward to myself for having done something I didn’t want to do (like grading – sorry but I just don’t – I know some people love it, but I simply detest it even though, yes, often the things I am grading are pretty dang exciting and good in their own right).
- i’m rewarding myself by writing and posting stuff because if left to my own devices I will only do things I want to do and never do anything that actually pays the bills. one day maybe writing will pay the bills but it’s not right now so there ya go.
- thanks for listening. they say that making vows or setting goals is more useful if you don’t tell anyone well… oh well! fuck it! it feels good and i’m doing it.