Fb posts #7749847985

My dog Gizmo puts his paw on my leg.

The air smells sweet again this morning.

I feel empty and yet complete. I see the bigger picture and I’m fine.

I realize that you need to listen to the whistlings of your soul and my whistling is singing a tune that says ‘Sit. Relax. Draw. Daydream. Do a little work now and then. Doing nothing sometimes is the best something.’

And when you’re ready to be your silly self, the person who can easily forget herself and get lost in the moment, the person who can laugh at herself and not lose herself, the person who loves to help people laugh at themselves, too, the person who doesn’t care if she does push-ups in the classroom as long as it gets people to loosen up, the person who doesn’t care if she dyes her hair black because at least it’s a fucking change, the person who takes risks, the person who has been through all kinds of shit and still lets go of the bad and lets in the good, the person who would rather sit down in a restaurant and watch people than watch TV, the person who thinks about ‘the end being nigh’ every day not because she’s morbid but because she wants to live life to the fullest Buddha way, the person who is going to keep writing about her life because she is still trying to accept self-love and she’s going to keep doing this until it doesn’t feel so awkward and weird… and when you’re ready to be that person, then be her.

****

no matter how up or down or around or sideways a day has been, i go outside and i smell the air and i realize there is something bigger and better than all of the petty little concerns that can take up too much space in one’s brain at times. i smell campfires and grass and leaves and moss and i feel the cool air on my nostrils and i realize i’m more alive out here than in a house and life is wild and when you connect with that then it doesn’t matter where you’re at. it doesn’t matter who you’re with. it doesn’t matter if you’re alone. you’re already a part of it all and that’s just fine and dandy. and the trick is to stay open no matter how much circumstances conspire to close you up. stay open. and free.

****

why do i write so much gobbledyguk about my past? because i’m a woman in a culture (in a world) that tends to want to define me before i have a chance to define myself. for all the good in religion (and there is some – for example, i learned about karma or ‘treat others the way you want to be treated’), i also absorbed that stupid notion that self love is a bad thing. so between culture trying to tell me who i am for years and a religion telling me that i have to put everyone else’s needs before my own all the time, i have a lot of self actualizing to do.

****

beautiful moment #1: driving down a road in sequim that i’ve never been down before and realizing that this place has nooks and crannies that still surprise me.
beautiful moment #2: realizing that my strategy of grading a small chunk a day (rather than waiting for it to pile up and then i start hating life) is paying off and actually do-able.
beautiful moment #3: the feeling of freedom is awe-inspiring, scary, and magical.
beautiful moment #4: slowing down is what reaps in the magic.
beautiful moment #5: getting reacquainted with my favorite pen.
beautiful moment #6: freedom means carving out your own destination/destiny.
beautiful moment #7: people will always buoy me up if i’m around them long enough.

****
to be the kind of person who sees the good in everything does not have to mean that you are a pollyanna. it can mean any of the following though:
1) that you are not only a survivor but an enjoyer of life,
2) that you’d rather be filled with love than anything else,
3) that you’d rather savor the pleasures in life than the bitter pills,
4) that you’d rather gather strength for the rockier moments than sap your energy dwelling on the negative,
5) that you realize that anything virtually anything (except having your arm stuck under a boulder or being bunker buddies with hitler) can be seen in a positive light,
6) that you’d rather offer some good to the world than bad,
7) that even those curtains you put up that don’t quite go with your windows but are better than what you had are a relief to have and that though they may be frustrating because you don’t have a way to tie them back they remind you of the fact that you did it all by yourself and you are a capable person who can solve their own problems and when you can’t you are smart enough to research and explore and stand on your own two feet and not only survive but flourish,
8) that perfection is stupid,
9) that laughing at yourself is everything,
10) that the universe conspires to help you unless you go out of your way to fuck with it, 11) that you get what you give,
12), that the feeling of peace and contentment in my belly right now is a thousand times better than the moment 10 years ago when i was doubled over with rocks rolling around in my gut from an obstructed bowel and as long as i am not in that kind of excruciating agony then life is good,
13) you can always compare yourself to someone with more than you and make yourself miserable so why fucking do it? don’t do it,
14) think about the people with less than you who are still happy and be happy,
15) you are alive and breathing and lucky. that is enough.
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