Yup, I’m talking about the dreaded topic of …. L O N E L I N E S S

17634607_1586851054688443_4818405659193518389_n[Disclaimer: I know I go on and on and on about the same shit but… well… I guess you don’t have to read it. So, I guess I shouldn’t feel bad. But believe me, the reason I write is to figure things out and I don’t always figure things out the first time. It takes practice and practice and more practice for me to change my so-called bad habits of thought or action. So forgive me for my repetitiveness but maybe just maybe this is helping somebody else.]

I HATE being alone just a little bit less each day. Yes, I said it. The dreaded topic of loneliness, being alone, solitude, being single, that relationship status that so many proudly claim to be (but secretly harbor thoughts that there’s something wrong with them because society keeps reminding you in so many covert and overt ways that there is). Well, I’m going to be honest with ya and myself. Sometimes it does suck and sometimes, more and more so, I downright enjoy it.

But I’m becoming bi-curious (‘bi’ referring to being curious about solitude and togetherness) about the moments when the aloneness turns into loneliness. Usually it’s late at night or when I’m tired or doing something boring like making the same goddam drive to the neighboring town because I have a ½ hour commute. Why? Why? Why do I dislike it at those times? Sometimes I dislike being alone because being with someone who doesn’t understand me feels more lonely than just being alone.

Sometimes I feel lonely when the person cleaning my teeth starts asking me endless and boring questions about my job and family. Questions just to fill the time. Questions that lead to more questions that are all trite and blah. Their innocuous questions remind me of the gulf between me and other people… people who ‘get’ me but don’t happen to be around at that moment.

It’s at times like these that I know I need to write in order to turn things around. I need to dig my way into the problem to understand it. I’m done with the idea that there is a quick and easy fix to things. But I want to understand.

And the only thing that makes sense to me is that there is a voice inside  us that, if we listen to it too much, makes us feel separate and different from other people. The fact is that the dental hygienist is just as bored as me with the prospect of cleaning my teeth for the umpteenth time and she is just trying to kill the blandness. Or the massage therapist who also fills the void with blasé questions when I would rather just lie down and enjoy the pressure of my muscles being ripped apart by her fingers. I love that kind of pain. But I can’t feel it if she’s yapping away at me while I lie there. Still, not to be rude, I answer the questions in the hopes that I can steal away a moment or two when she stops asking and I stop answering and I can just ‘be’ in the moment of bliss with my body.

We’re not so separate from each other. I guess that is the thought that I don’t dwell on enough. If I dwelled on it more, then I probably would never feel lonely. In fact, I’d probably want to run away and be a hermit in the woods more. There are days when I deal with so many people that all I want to do is hide. Just walk alone on a beach for miles. Just listen to the wind in the trees and think and not hear a human voice for days. Thank god I want that sometimes. Whenever I feel lonely and want to get back to just feeling my aloneness, then I should do that. Remember those days that drain the living life out of me. When I need time to myself to just think straight. To hear my own voice inside. Because that’s what happens eventually. Everyone else’s voice clamors so loudly in my head that I forget what I think or feel.

So the next time I start feeling the panic and dread of being lonely, I just need to hear the voices of the world banging around in my head. I want to love the voices, cherish the voices, but too much time around the voices and I just want to flee. Shhhh voices shhhhhh. Go to sleep, take a nap for awhile, but let me be. Thank you, voices. 😊

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Yup, I’m talking about the dreaded topic of …. L O N E L I N E S S

  1. I believe, that the more ‘you’ express your feelings, the easier, at some point it will be to release them!
    Share a lot of the ‘lonely’ with you. However, the long walks on the beach, and being able to ask the masseuse not to spoil the ‘moment’ with talk!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have always craved, cherished, my alone time but I have also felt loneliness at times for many years. Now I’m at a crossroads or would it be crossroad, you know what I mean. It’s just me now as my soon to be adult son is living with his dad after spending the last 11 months with me. It’s a good thing for everybody, he’s only four blocks away and I’m still his taxi driver.

    So I’m looking ahead and trying to figure out what to do with myself, do I move or do I stay here? It’s different now with it just being me. I like where I live but aside from some friends who I get together with, there is really nothing else for me. I get up, go to work and come home, that is it. Yes, I know I am an introvert but I don’t think I really want to be one 100% of the time. Being an introvert makes life easier sometimes but it doesn’t take away the feeling of loneliness.

    It’s hard for me to figure out what to do, would I be happier if I moved or would I live to regret it? I could move closer to my nieces or grandchildren but they could always move away themselves. Do I move closer to a city where I can enjoy all of what a big city has to offer and possibly meet some other friends with common interests? Or do I stay with what is familiar and try to find things here that I like and look forward to? I know a lot of people move to get away from something, I’m just thinking proactively, I need to find some joy, some fun, to put into in my life.

    At any rate, I’m taking my time to decide and I’ll see what happens. Maybe I should just start with a vacation, or a road trip 🙂

    Oh and when I do feel lonely and start to think about getting into a relationship, I just recall the last 18 years of misery and I’m cured for a while. LOL!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you and thanks for your honesty. That was great! If nothing else, just writing it down and getting it out there, I think, helps to clarify what direction you need to go.
      That’s what helps me at least. I think a change of scenery is great! It doesn’t have to be permanent and yet… while you’re enjoying it… it might lead to some other great ideas that help you decide either way. I just know it stimulates the brain. In fact, I need to go for a walk right now and see something besides these four walls
      . 🙂 haha Thanks!

      Like

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