stop doing the same shit, expecting different… CHANGE THE PATTERN

habitsin the spirit of richard feynman, a nobel prize winning scientist and theorist, who posited that if you can explain something that you know to someone else in simple terms, then you have truly mastered the concept, well, i’m going to attempt to explain my personal  secret recipe for happiness (which may or may not be true for others so take it with a grain of sea salt).

if you want to be happy, first you need to be able to figure out your pace in life and be true to it. others may jostle you and push and shove you along or hold you back, but you really truly need to check in with your own pace. and it may change. but be clued in enough to know when it does change. and don’t just go with everyone else’s flow or pretty soon you will have lost the thread that will take you back down the path to yourself and what you know makes you happy.

next? people. i know some people are introverts and some are extroverts and we all need our down time and me-time but i honestly feel that no matter how introverted you are, too much time alone will eventually wear on even the toughest souls. even if it just means talking to the guy who changes the oil on your car…. get out and chat with people. it will lift the veil of fog over your head.

and then? sleep. you’ve got to get some regular shuteye. and if you can’t? stop drinking coffee and tea and alcohol before bedtime. seriously, make some choices that make sense. have a hot bath or shower and do whatever you need to do to slow down. cover up the windows. light some candles. woo yourself. but you’ve got to sleep. don’t answer that phone when that person calls you too late at night. take care of you.

also? exercise. anything. even if it’s just 10 minutes once a day. get off your ass and move. it helps. if nothing else it’s like an aphrodisiac because it sets off these chemicals in your brain that promote relaxation and your muscles feel good when they’re a bit sore. you know they do. so do it and quit complaining.

and? who makes you happy? who makes you really happy? think about them. remember them. write about them. try to see them or speak to them. seek them out. even if they’re from the long ago past. maybe they are no more. but still, speak to them. hug them in your mind. they are your muses. let them make you happy.

finally, do stupid things. make dumb mistakes. take the wrong turn. get lost. stop doing the same stupid shit the same way all the time. switch it up. wake up your brain. get crazy. stop being predictable and safe. it’s fucking boring. stop it.




mistakes are ok

Treadmill Mousei get on the treadmill of life and like a mouse with blinders on i never stop to see that i don’t have to.

if left to my own devices, i will pump out so many tasks checked off on my internal ‘to do’ list that eventually i’m hungrily seeking out more petty tasks to do just because i’m in the ‘to do’ mode. it’s ridiculous.

is it that urgent that i respond to that person’s email? are they going to die if they don’t hear a ‘thank you’ from me? is it so horrible that i may not get posters up and around town later rather than sooner? is the world going to end? will everyone hate me? will everyone think that i’m an incompetent loser? well, whatever. WHATEVER (valley girl accent)!!!

you’re always going to be a loser in somebody else’s eyes. you might as well focus on the people who see you as a winner. and they’re there. you just have to tune out the others. focus on the people who love you even if you arrive 10 minutes late or don’t return their phonecall the same day or forget that you guys made plans together but then call later to explain the circumstances. it’s understood. it’s no big deal. some people understand that you are human. for those that do not, asta. for those that do, grazie.


Eyes out

dt_150716_eye_cornea_800x600Why can’t wildness and tenderness walk hand in hand?

Why can’t we show our wild sides to each other without scratching each other’s faces off?

You look at old married couples staring off into space as they sit together in a restaurant. Is it because they know each other so well and somewhere deep inside there is a tumult waiting to be unleashed later in bed? Or is even that blasé?

You look at younger couples kissing in stairwells and sure they have passion but will they stab each other’s eyes out after they experience their first fight?

Is there anything in between?

All I know is you need to do what you love, do it with passion and see where it takes you.

don’t settle

Don’t settle for being on the backburner of somebody else’s life.

Settle for people who:

  1. Wish you a good spring break in a text for no other ulterior motive but to wish you a good spring break.
  2. Who leave gluten free noodles on your doorstep for no reason.
  3. Who smile and give you a hug even though it’s been a year since you’ve worked with them on a play.
  4. Who tell you that you helped to get them out of a cult just by teaching them about critical thinking.
  5. Who remember memories you barely remember like how you used to laugh when they said the word, ‘sisteeeeeeer.’
  6. Who blush when they see you or get so tongue tied and nervous that they have to run away for five minutes before they get up the courage to speak to you.
  7. Who tell you each time that they see you that merely your presence makes them feel calm.
  8. Who ‘get you’ so well that when you call for no reason, they know exactly why you’re calling and name it.
  9. Who follow you home one day in their VW van because they’re a new friend who can tell that something is up and you need a good listener and then they become an old friend who doesn’t mind reading the epic long emails that you write to them about life, love, relationships and everything in between.
  10. Who glance at you from across the room and with their Harlequin romance novel smoldering gaze they set your soul ablaze.

Until then, don’t settle.

The epic story of the washing machine

redlgSo I realized that the washing machine breaking again–

was a metaphor for my life.

Not because I’m narcissistic–

But because I like to philosophize.

So here is its story……….

The washing machine broke down a few months ago. I decided to fix it and be eco-friendly and frugal at the same time. Why dump another washing machine down a cliff if it just takes a spare part to fix it. So the mechanic took forever to come to our house. Day after day we waited. I went to the laundromat. I phoned. I waited. Finally he showed. He fixed it and it worked for one day. And then, it broke again. So, I called and called and waited and waited and sure… I could have found another fix-it man, just like I could have found another washing machine, right? But I didn’t. I thought… “I’ll give him a chance. I’ll be




machine repairman-friendly and frugal with my time by giving the guy a chance to prove that he can show up and fix it. He came. He fixed it. At this point, I had sunk so much money into it that I probably could have had two washing machines and thus I was really determined to make it work. It did. For about two months. And then it broke again.

Before you judge me and think… “She’s a fool. She should have seen the signs on the wall (not to mention the pool of water on the floor).” I’m a single mom (get out your handkerchiefs) and I don’t have time or energy to go running around finding washing machines. I’d rather fix something that’s already here than go to even more trouble and money replacing it. That’s number one. Number two: I had SEVERAL well-respected people I know advise me that it’s better to fix an older washing machine because the newer ones are super expensive and often fail because they’re made with a lot of plastic parts and nothing is designed to last these days so older, simpler models are more reliable than newer glitzier ones. I had reasons to keep clinging to this hope. Believe me.

But in the end, I gave up.

And this is a metaphor for my life.

Why, might you ask? What does it all mean? It means… I’m good at trying. I try and I try and I try and I try and I try and eventually I hit a wall. And sometimes even then I try. But eventually I learn to walk around the wall.

BP #3

I refuse to not get enough sleep anymore.

It’s just not worth it.

It’s not worth the grumpy ass attitude in the morning from me which then radiates out to the rest of the world.

I don’t care if I’m not being productive enough O’ world that demands I keep producing so much…?

I’m just fucking done with it.

I’m fucking done trying to be perfect.

I’m fucking done biting my nails because of it.

I’m fucking done living my life to please somebody else’s conception of what makes a good life.

Fuck it if we don’t all sit at the same time around the dinner table. Hell, at least we’re not eating out all the time.

Fuck it if I’m not making $75K/year which apparently is the amount you’re supposed to make in Washington state in order to achieve relative happiness.

Fuck it if I’m not doing enough to keep all balls juggling in the air, parenting duties upheld, self duties maintained, exercise regimen, caffeine intake, bill payment, retirement outlook, online dating profile updated, fiscal budget trimmed of excess fat, yada yada phou phou crap.

Fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuckity fuckity fuck fuck.

All I know and all I figured out today that truly makes me happy is art, is poetry, is being creative, is writing bad poetry. Poetry so bad that nobody would dare publish it, let alone read it. Poetry so bad that it makes you pee blood from your eyes. Permission to write crap just because you gotta get it out. Fuck it if it’s not perfect. Fuck it. I feel better and that’s a fact. Nobody can fuck with that.

Bad poem #2

I used to think that laughter could only happen with someone else
And then I realized there is a way to laugh on your own
It seems strange.
How do you tickle your own funny bone?
But it is possible.
It requires a lot of lube, a discarded toothpaste tube, and generosity of spirit. I mean, spit.
Now it’s not what you’re thinking.
Get your mind outta the gutter. I would never so much as refer to … master-dating.
No no no… none of that talk now y’hear!
I just mean that SEX is like LIFE which is like LUCID DREAMING meaning
If you try too hard, nothing ever works out.
But if you just try enough and let go and let life lead you where it will
Then you will get where you need to be which might just be
Staring at the end of a toothpaste tube
Wondering whether you should throw it away or not
And maybe there’s still a bit of life left in it
But does it really matter if you throw it away? Is anyone looking and does anyone care?
No, probably not. Which is again, what life is like. And sex.
Nobody really cares much what you do behind your bedroom door.
They’re all too worried about you wondering about them.
So stop worrying and just chew on a big fat chill pill.
The end.

bad poem #1

i want to be a bird.
not right this second.
i don’t want to die.
but i wish i could fly.
i don’t want to hang glide, or para sail, or skydive.
i just want to be a bird.
nothing comes quite close.
nothing like the feel of the air under your wings,
making lazy circles on warm gusts of wind.
no map to follow, just your own whims.
nothing i know comes close.
except my favorite pen, paper and my mind.
my favorite pen has a clicker at the end that feels good.
a nubby end that i have to push hard on to release.
the body of the pen is sturdy with a rubbery grip.
and the tip is sublime, like a fine cabernet wine.
paper can be almost anything, lined or not.
it’s my mind that matters more than a jot.
clear, clean, empty and serene.
a void, a hole through which my pen explores.
it’s the nearest thing to heaven.
a bird, a pen, and me.




god is good thinking

I don’t believe in god, but I don’t NOT believe in her/him either. I think god is a useful concept. Especially when I am very afraid. And I have been.

One time I was laying in a hospital bed in Boulder, Colorado, and I had had three surgeries on my abdomen to get rid of an infection and I was in so much pain several times that I was definitely believing in god. I was asking god for help. And it definitely seemed to work.

The rest of the time, I don’t ask or talk to god much. But I do talk to my friends, to myself, to nature. And I think they’re all the same.

I think god is really another word for being aware. Thinking enough about the world both inside and outside of yourself that you understand it better. Anticipate things. Think about things.

That doesn’t mean I won’t be calling out to god the next time I’m in extreme pain, but I think it’s good to know that you always have it at your disposal. It’s always there. You just have to be aware. You can forgive, let go, love, understand, create boundaries as needed, break down boundaries as needed, all in the name of ‘god’ or ‘love’ or whatever you want to call it. The point is to be aware. Be aware of what is good for you and the world around you. Good. God. That’s about it.