I think the scariest part about being single is when I realize how much I enjoy being single because I realize how less than motivated I am to be with anyone and then… one day I might end up old and alone? And then what? I’d be…. HAPPY????
I think we – not as in ‘the royal we,’ but in the sense of ‘most of us’ given that I know that some of you people out there in blogland and beyond may not agree – spend so much of our lives worrying about being with ‘the one’ or finding ‘the one’ or questioning whether ‘the one’ we are with is the right ‘one’ that we are really avoiding looking at what (might be) the real truth, which is… that perhaps we actually ENJOY being by ourselves more than being with anyone else? And if/when you realize that, that can be a scary thought (unless you’re one of those amazing people who really ARE happy and single and proud. (What are you? A nun or something?)
I’m not saying I don’t enjoy people. Far from it. I find people fascinating. I am intensely curious about how other people’s minds work. And whenever I think I’ve got it figured out, I love how people always surprise me by throwing me curveballs. “Oh, Cindy is soooo anal retentive. She can’t handle not being in control all of the time.” And then Cindy shows ME wassup by going with the flow better than yours truly on the first day of her monthlies. However, sometimes other people’s minds are too much. When I walk along the beach, I am the one tempted to walk farther away than the rest of the crowd walking along the preordained path. I’m always happier ten steps behind or away from the crowd. I like being near the crowd, just not smack dab in the middle of it.
I don’t think I’m alone in this. Maybe some of you out there don’t agree with me, but I’ve met a lot of people who seem to be on the same page. Both longing for social connection and also completely fucking exhausted by it.
The only time I ever get scared being alone is…
- When I try to imagine spending a LOT of time alone. (So my solution is: don’t think about it and generally I don’t. And I’m fine.)
- (Solution? Turn on a light. Turn on some comedy. Call someone. Take a bath. Write.)
- When I see some (apparently) happy couple out and about either a) shopping together, b) strolling together in a park, c) pulling up to a fast food joint and ordering together, d) dropping their kids off at school together, e) sitting and holding hands at a wedding/funeral together, f) walking down the street in (pretty much) matching outfits together, and g) sitting silently but seemingly content at a restaurant because they have spent so many years together that thoughts travel via ESP back and forth across the table…together. (And my solution to being jealous of happy couples? Don’t look at ‘em. Or, better yet, feel pity for them because they’re probably miserable. Noooooo, I’m not that horrible. Just… lie to yourself and tell yourself you’re happy for them. Okay, done!)
I don’t know what the answer is except… just… get over it and be happy with wherever you’re at. No matter what. At least you can breathe and you’re (hopefully) not in too much pain at this moment in time. That’s enough to be happy about. That and a pint of Rum Raisin ice cream. Time to go to the stoooooooorrrreee!!!