Sorry but I’m a bit…aghghghghghghghghghghgh

Oh god here I go again. I’m back home. I don’t want to be back home. I can’t help it. There is always this nagging feeling I have when I get home that there is a whole world out there that I need to be exploring and I’m fucking sick and tired of looking at this same fucking street and this same fucking house. I want to go somewhere. I want to see new things. I don’t want to fucking walk down the same fucking streets and see the same fucking houses.

But I also don’t want to fucking drive. I hate fucking driving all the time to get some place new. I know. It’s the reality of living on a fucking peninsula. But I’m fucking sick and tired of this shit.

It’s not that I don’t love my life. My house. My family. My job. My friends. I love it all. Don’t get me wrong.

But I also am fucking tired of the same same same same same same same same same same shit.

I WANT A FUCKING CHANGE!!!!!!!!!

I know it’s up to me. ‘School of life’ videos tell me what I believe to be the truth which is…. You can fucking run away from your shit, but it’s just going to show up somewhere else. I know it. You can fucking go on a fucking vacation, but eventually you will still face your fucking self. I know that. I know it’s the truth.

But I still want some fucking new experiences.

I want to fucking drive to Seattle today and see something new, but I don’t want to drive and I don’t want to worry about my dogs. Ok, I could take my dogs. And I should. And maybe I will. Oh god. I just need to see something new. I need to do something new. That is what anger is good for. It forces changes. Pushes it into being. I need a fucking change.

It’s Tuesday. I’ve got several more days in which I could pretty much fucking do whatever the hell I fucking want. I need to fucking do it.

But I don’t want to drive. And I don’t want to spend a ton of money. I can do this. I can do it cheaply.

And I also like to write. And I like to be a hermit sometimes.

Ok the other thing about sitting in a car is that eventually it hurts. It hurts to sit that long for me. I think it’s because I sleep on my right side. A lot. (Ok, yes, AND I’m getting older. But I’m in denial of that right now so let me be in denial.) I have a deviated septum (I know this is fascinating stuff, right?) and so I breathe better at night if I sleep on my right side. But… that means that my right hip gets more pressure all the time which translates into more discomfort in my right hip when I’m sitting too long…. Anywhere! So I fucking hate driving, too. Ugh. Ok I know I could just get out of the car every once in a while. Shit will take longer to get to but I can still do it. I know it. I know I can do this. I should do this. Today I should do this. I should drive to Storm King, the mountain I’ve been on a thousand times and do it again. Can I bring my dogs? Probably not. Well, there’s got to be someplace I can bring my dogs.

NOW my dogs won’t sit still long enough for me to write. They want to go now!!! I want to write now!!!! Ugh ugh ugh. Listen to my dogs or listen to my calling inside. For the love of god!!! Let me finish something I want to do. That is the story of my life. Can I just please finish this thought?

Ok so yes I am feeling very angry and frustrated and pissy at the moment. I’m not all that. I really am grateful for a lot of things, too. I’m grateful that I know what I love to do. Which is writing and venting. And I know why I like to do it and I feel less and less guilty about doing it. And… I know why I don’t spend as much time turning this writing into performance material. Long story short but basically – I adore standup comedians. I think they’re marvelous. I adore actors and acting. I love it. But there is a huge part of me that became a director more of an actor because I’m a teacher and when you teach anywhere in a drama department you are often also the resident director and it’s hard to direct and act at the same time. I don’t care what anyone says… it is. Why, you may ask? Well, (sorry if you’re not asking) number one, it’s kinda presumptuous to cast yourself in your own play. And number two, well there really is no number two other than it’s very hard to find time to memorize things when you’re busy being a mom. If I can ever steal away time for myself, I need to vent things that need to get out before I go berserk and memorizing lines doesn’t give me that kind of venting satisfaction). So there you have it. Not that you wanted it, but there it is. The answers to everything: get outside more, go see something new, take your dogs with you if you can to avoid worrying about them being at home, and do what makes you happy even if you don’t know where the hell it is leading you to (I have no fucking clue what I will ever do with all this blogging bullshit (and I say ‘bullshit’ with love in my heart) but I have to do it. I am called to it for various known and unknown reasons so I’m just going to see where this voice inside leads me. Right now it is leading me to ending this blogging session and getting outside as my own prescription dictates. Asta

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3 thoughts on “Sorry but I’m a bit…aghghghghghghghghghghgh

  1. Lara! I feel the same way. So much so, it’s kind of scary. But not really, of course. I love my friends in Port Angeles and Sequim, but I hate being so far away from everything. I used to drive to Port Townsend to do the Soulfull Sunday dance and to see movies at the Rose Theatre and see plays at Key City. I still do, but kind of rarely now because I hate driving. Listening to podcasts helps me a lot when I HAVE to drive somewhere. Anyhow, I’ve been in PA for close to 11 years now, and man, oh man, am I fed up with the sameness. It helps to take the Coho to Victoria … do you ever get to do that? I think it’s worth the cost … because when you get there, you’re carefree, walking or taking the public bus, which runs till late at night! I could go on and on … but the bottom line is that yes, I so understand. The dampness, the dreariness, the sameness and the isolation. These make me want to kill the people on the Revitalize Port Angeles FB page who are always congratulating themselves about living in the “most beautiful place on Earth.” Where else have you BEEN? I want to ask. Ah well. Thank you so much for expressing yourself in this blog!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you sooooo much for responding…;))) Not only is it good to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way about this area but also that (hopefully) my whininess about it didn’t come across as tooooo much. Thank you. I worry sometimes about being too negative – and maybe I should – but then part of me is also certain that it’s good to accept all of our negative and positive feelings about things and not always try to put a smiley face on everything. You know what? I was going to go to Seattle soon but I might just need to take that Coho to Victoria. You’re not going to believe this but I’ve lived here for 8+ years and never been to Victoria. It’s fucking high time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE TO DO THIS!!!!!!!! So thank you – very much!! – for letting me know how you feel.

      Like

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