Take a picture… it lasts longer and it’s cheaper

[Disclaimer: don’t mean to start out so humbug but, yeah, in this blog I do and then I promise it gets more uplifting towards the end.] So yeah, I really dislike all the materialism of Xmas. Not because stuff isn’t fun to give and receive but because people get their feelings hurt when something isn’t big enough, or cost enough money, or unique enough, or if it arrives too late. If things aren’t perfect, people can get butthurt. Plus I’m broke and I’m tired of going through so much money. So I would like to just take a picture of everything I WOULD have bought people if I had enough money to buy it, and give them the picture of that instead. Cheesy I know. But funny, right? At least they would get a laugh and a picture out of it. or at least a picture.

I don’t know how or why I am always so low on cash. I try to say ‘no’ to so many things and save money but I just can’t be one of those extreme penny pinchers. Those people who count everything down to the percentage of tax that they owe on the bill when eating out with a group of friends. There is only one time in my life that I was ever even remotely good at staying within a budget. It was in 1998 when I managed to eke out enough of a living at Target (and live in a cheap enough house – it was only $475 a month) that I could divvy up my money and put it in envelopes. $400 for groceries, $50 for self-care (although that phrase wasn’t even in use back then), $100 for gas, etc., and if you went over in one category, you just borrowed from another envelope but overall you were forced to stay within your means. I would love to do that again but every month I’m just barely able to do this. I need to do this again. Lord god Jesus it’s hard to not be broke.

So maybe I’ll do it again. I’ll scrimp and save and cash my checks until I can put enough money in envelopes to live within my means. Good god can I do this? I’m going to fucking DO IT FUCK YEAH!!!

Meanwhile, in other things, here’s what I really don’t understand. When I write things down, I don’t feel funny but when I talk to people, I feel funny. I don’t get it. For me, writing is like airing all the shit that is in your head. Putting it onto paper or a screen. But for some reason, when I am writing just for myself it doesn’t come out funny. It’s like I HAVE to have an audience there. A facebook audience. Anything. There has to be somebody there.

And then I start to think, well maybe I AM funny but I just don’t think I’m funny because I’m too hard on myself. That could be true, too.

Or maybe I’m really not that funny ever. Or maybe… I just need a bit more vino to be funny when I’m writing. Or maybe coffee. Or maybe I need to pretend like I’m writing to the person who I make laugh the most? Or maybe I need to just do some shrooms? Haha no way. That chapter of my life is OVER!!!!

And then I realize all I really need to do is stop worrying about being funny and just be myself and to hell with having to think I’ve got to be fucking funny all the time. Just be real for fucking chrissakes. And, as they say, people who swear more tend to be more honest so I need to swear a whole fucking lot more because comedy is about truth and if I want to get to the heart of the matter, I better start fucking swearing more. The funniest people I know are also the most fucking honest with themselves and the world. Maybe too honest at times but they’re honest. And, as the ole saying goes, ‘Be honest. It’s funnier.’ Or however it goes. ‘Truth is funny?’ ‘There’s nothing funnier than the truth?’ Whatever it is. It’s basically truth = funny.

And here is what I know I’m good at. NARRATING MY THOUGHT PROCESS AS IT GOES. Ok and maybe I go on a bit too much about it at times, but the truth is: that’s what I’m good at. And maybe I could rein it in at times – yup, I can’t deny it – but I still think: it’s fucking healthy to let shit out. AND, to top it off, I think I’m actually pretty fucking good at modifying what shit comes out of my mouth depending on who I am speaking to. I can rein it in if I REALLY HAVE TO. It’s just that there aren’t really that many people that you REALLY HAVE TO rein it in for. I mean, yes. There is the president of anything – where you work (ahem), the country you live in (actually I’d swear at Trump with not a single iota of regret) – but most of the time, I think, most people appreciate a little extra honesty over too much caution. Now, I know, there are those naysayers out there who say – again, look at Trump – it’s not all that great to be on the receiving end of someone who has zero filter 99.9% of the time. And, ok, yes, I know what you mean. But here is what I’m saying. There is a balancing act. And here is how you can juggle it better:

  • Get shit off of your chest.
  • If getting shit off of your chest is going to harm the person you’re talking to, then don’t tell them. Tell someone else or tell yourself in your journal or tell your cat but say it SOME FUCKING PLACE.
  • It’s important to think about your audience. Yes, it is. In fact, it may even lend itself to greater creativity in the long run because rampant creativity with no structure often leads to chaos but a little bit of boundary making can often bring on creative problem solving (thus thinking about your audience can help). Like… what the folks at google do to promote creative ideas. Stick people in long cafeteria lines so that they are FORCED to chat with each other while waiting to order their lunch. You’re stuck there. You’re bored. You’re hungry. So what do you do? You get creative and break through that cold wall between you and the next person in line. You open your mouth. Ok, maybe you look at your phone for a long time, too, to avoid talking to people but eventually you, or someone else, is going to feel stupid doing that forever and someone will eventually speak. Or at least I would hope so. I have to have some shred of hope for humanity at this point in the technological age.

So take the above three points (balls) and juggle them until your heart’s content. Juggle and jiggle them balls until you and everyone around you is happy and laughing and content again. juggle DEM BALLZ!!!


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