Taking care

Taking care of yourself…

What does that mean? It means different things to me, often depending on what day of the week it is. Right now, it means not doing anything work related. It means following whatever whim flits through my head that doesn’t involve being responsible but still isn’t necessarily too unhealthy. Responsible? Or having fun? Responsible? Or having fun? Do the two always have to be so mutually exclusive?

Maybe they do.

To live a little or a lot dangerously. Ok, probably not a good idea to live ‘a lot’ dangerously, but still. If you play it safe all the time, are you really living either?

And what does it mean to ‘play it safe?’ Safe as in… not making yourself vulnerable? Safe as in doing your duty all the time, paying your bills on time or ahead of time, being punctual? Safe as in… never doing anything stupid? Or silly? Or annoying? What does it mean?

I’m guessing it’s…

  • Not posting on facebook because even though I wanna, what it means is that I get sucked into reading a lot more than I have time for and then feeling like I need to respond to a lot more than I have time for. So instead? I’m going to write here. I feel selfish for doing this but if I’m more selfish now, then down the road I won’t be such a grumpy ass and I’ll be more fun to be around with in the long run.
  • Spending more time alone to figure out what shit is really bothering me because it fucking accumulates the more I keep running around just barely keeping up with all the shit there is to do. Sorry to say ‘shit’ so much but cussing relieves tension and I have a lot of pent up tension right now.
  • It means not answering the phone. Not opening email. Not having too many windows open on my computer. Not going into the store to buy something that I don’t really need like another sweater because then I’m going to end up late for that appointment. Just fucking slowing down so the shit stops accumulating on my lap.
  • It means being alone. The hardest thing for me. I’m guessing for anyone but especially for me. I would rather laugh and have fun and play. And play doesn’t have to but CAN often include people. I don’t know. I used to play alone as a kid sometimes. A lot of the time actually. Why can’t I do it now? I CAN do it now. There is this ridiculous feeling you get when you’re older. I think it’s the feeling of death approaching even though it’s not really approaching. And you know you’re going to be dead. And you’re either not going to know that you’re dead, because you’re dead, or you’re going to feel alone out there in the ether and the cold. So part of you wants to be around people now a lot because you know someday you’re just going to be so fucking alone and dead. Not to get morbid or anything but… like those people over there in the East say…. It’s good to think about death because it makes you feel more alive now. I don’t know. All I know is it’s the reason why I have this tendency to avoid being alone. But it’s silly really. If being alone brings me peace and sanity and clarity of mind, then I should do it more and stop feeling guilty or worried about it. feeling like I need to be ‘out there’ whooping it up in the social scene. Looking for a man. Whatever. So what if it’s Friday and then Saturday and then Sunday and I still haven’t fucking done anything ‘out there.’ So what! If I finally feel like my life is mine again and isn’t being dictated to by the gazillion and one things that I need to do in order to feel caught up then so be it.
  • Sorry to whine so much, world. I’m just trying to understand.
  • So much accumulated baggage that I have to sort through in my mind.
  • It doesn’t mean it’s all true. But it’s there humming around in my mind pissing me off. And the more I let it out, the less pissed off I am. Believe me, you don’t have to read this. I write this in the hope that somebody else out there confirms even an iota of what I’m talking about and helps them (and me) realize they’re not the only person who thinks about this shit. Because I firmly believe I am not the only one thinking about this shit.

Taking care of yourself means….

  • Being honest with yourself.
  • Facing the truth about people, including yourself.
  • And then acting on it.
  • And sticking to it.
  • I know what makes me feel good and what doesn’t. and pretty much the only way to remember what that is, sometimes, is to be alone long enough to know what feels good and right and down to earth and honest and healthy and growing and open and free and forward thinking (and not closed up) and playful and spontaneous and willing to take risks but not risks that are soul destroying. And if you destroy your soul a little, then learn from it and grow and change and be happier in the long run for it.
  • And remember that anything is possible and you don’t know what’s around the corner.
  • And all you can do is what is in front of your nose right now so pay attention to what is in front of your nose right now.

 

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