We want what we can’t have and we don’t want what is offered right in front of us. Over and over and over again. It’s ridiculous. But I’m guessing we all do it, to a point.
I, for one, am sick and tired of doing this and I want to change.
When I go through my day not giving a shit, when I don’t care about making eye contact, when I don’t care whether someone gets in line in front of me or not, when I stop making an effort for small talk and stop demanding and begging things of people, stop needing attention, stop making chitchat just to make chitchat, that’s when it seems the world opens up to me. people tell me random shit because I’m not trying so hard, or at all. I think they can sense it and they might even sense that since I really don’t want anything from them and I don’t want to do anything to them, then they just share something about themselves. Freely.
I walked in line to pay this cashier at Walmart and it wasn’t like I didn’t try to respond. I did respond when she said something like ‘Find everything that you needed?’ ‘Yup,’ I said. But not wanting to make more small talk for the minute and 30 seconds we would be in each other’s lives, I just let her be. And, I’m convinced, because I let her be that is why she started telling me about her 88 year old mother who also likes to wear furry velour PJs while she sits and crochets in front of the TV each night. And why her dad refuses to wear the PJs she buys for him but insists, instead, on going to sleep in stiff jeans every night. I didn’t ask for this information. She just forthrightly gave it, I think, because I didn’t really give a shit. Not in a negative sense of ‘not giving a shit.’ Just in the sense of: ‘It doesn’t matter what you do right now. Do what you want, cashier lady, whatever puts you at ease. Tell me about the boil on your back. Or tell me about your grandson who has cystic acne. I don’t care. It doesn’t bother me. whatever you have to say or even if you have nothing to say and just want a moment of non-communicative peace, that is ok with me.’
If I have any goal in life, it is to exude that kind of ‘I don’t give a rat’s ass how you spend your life just as long as you’re happy and not hurting anyone’ vibe. I don’t know if I can ever consistently accomplish this task, but it’s a good goal to have in my book.