kegel my bagel


We’re all supposed to do them. Nobody does. Ok, maybe some of you upright people do (or maybe I should say ‘uptight…’ mwahahah! In a good way, uptight. Get it? get it????), but I can hardly remember. One time, at thespian camp, my counselor told me that the best way to remember to do kegels was to combine that habit with another one that I already do… like brushing my teeth. So, I tried that. Barely helped. Years went by and other people recommended I do it when waiting at a stoplight. Or every time I go to the bathroom (in other words, pee). Work those muscles!!!! Hold back that stream of pee!!!! Ok, first off…. Why does NOBODY TELL YOU THIS WHEN GROWING UP? Why is this conversation LEFT OUT OF SEX ED CLASSES FOR KIDS WHEN THEY’RE IN SCHOOL? It’s ridic. Absolutely ridic. We all walk around pretending that we’re not trying to remember to do our kegels, when we really should be adding that to our daily lives, spicing up ordinary conversations.

‘Good morning! How are you?’

‘Alright, in fact, doing my kegels right now as I look you straight in the eye.’

‘Oh really? Me, too. How fascinating! My latest technique is to…’

Ok, so long story shorter. I have finally reached a plateau of enlightenment when it comes to kegels. Notice? I haven’t used the word that begins with ‘Buddh’ and ends with ‘ism.’ Some people, who shall remain nameless, like to make cheap jokes about my obsession with ‘B………ism.’ So…. I will preempt those remarks thusly. So, back to my point and that is that when you think about anything, you’re not ‘emptying your mind’ as they promulgate in certain religions. Religions inspired by Hinduism, for example, but came to fruition when a large man sat under a bodhi tree. Anyway, emptying your mind seems to be the goal and in order to achieve this state of quietude, apparently you have to let go of your thoughts and in order to do that it helps to focus on something banal like your breath and since your breath is always a constant (like your heart except it’s harder to notice your heart beating unless you’ve just run a marathon or ….. need I say more?), by asking your mind to focus on the in/out of your breath then it allows a place for your mind to rest. In other words, there is not enough room left in your brain to focus on that insulting remark somebody made to you earlier in the day or that massive gaping hole in your bank account. You just have to gently keep returning your mind to the plate on the table and let it sit there, resting quietly on the plate of your breath. Just sitting there. In/out. Breathing. And if you forget, then you kindly remind yourself to let go of whatever thought you’re obsessing over and softly go back to the breath.

Well, I’ve got one better than the breath. NEWSFLASH!!!!!! KEGELS!!!!!!!! Why not combine kegel strengthening with mind expansion? Why not count your kegels instead of your breath in order to quiet the mind? We all know how to breathe. Hell, why focus on it? but you kill two birds with one muscle group now. Just squeeze squeeze squeeze and watch nirvana land on your solar plexus. Your coccyx. Just squeeze squeeze and count count count and watch the years wash away as you strengthen your core and cleanse the palate of your tedium infested brain. Just let it go. Squeeze and let it go. Squeeze and let it go. Squeeeeezeeeeeeee and let it …….. gooooooooooooooooooo.


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