So I finally got sleep again. I have read and read article upon article about how important sleep is and yet over and over and over again I stay up late and then regret it the next day. And then once in a while I stop the pattern of pointlessness and actually force myself to go to sleep around 11 and then I rejoice the next morning and then I’m happy all day and then…. Maybe it lasts for a couple days and then….. I stay up late again once I’ve forgotten what joy and jubilation I felt after having gotten sleep and I go right back to my old ways. I’m a recovering notgettingenoughsleep addict, only I have not totally recovered.
I have justified this pattern to myself over the years because I am a parent and the only part of the day that is truly ever mine is the last couple hours at night. And it’s true. Even though now my kids are growing up and don’t require as much from me? still. The feeling of absolute stillness only occurs around 10pm. And that’s when my hair finally comes down.
So I know that the only way I will break the chain of stupidity…. (not that I’m stupid. In fact, I really don’t like the word ‘stupid’ at all because people tend to use it too much meanly. But I like it right now so I am preemptively striking at ‘the editor’ who I KNOW will try to use it against me. take that!!!!! Slap slap smack sucker punch!!!!)….. is by touting the joys of sleep, of describing in excruciatingly detailed deets how good it feels to have gotten sleep last night. Woooooohoooooooo yayyyyyyyuuuhhhhhhhh!!!!!
Ok so here I am, sitting at my computer, and wherever I have been today – standing up, sitting down, walking – I feel this nice calmness in my stomach. A gentleness. Nothing GETS to me. as soon as I see something almost starting to GET to me, I am able to deflect the barbs (or as the buddha described them, arrows of attachment) with humor. With a laugh. With stupid (nope!!! No jokes about the word ‘stupid’ allowed) joke. With a wonky look in my eye that takes the other person off guard who might be trying to offset my equilibrium and nothing NOTHING really bothers me. somehow my mind is able to maneuver through the steep and windy and twisty and turny and serpentiney offroad ATV driving narrow hairpin turn mountainous highway terrain of my daytime challenges and come out free and sassy on the other side. NOTHING gets to me. and I feel fine. And strong. And easy (don’t go there!! Editor!!!!). and relaxed. The follicles on my scalp are more relaxed. My mind comes up with weirder and tastier combinations of foods like putting pasta alfredo and tomato/meat sauce spaghetti on the same plate. I realize that my cat is even fluffier and more kissable (on the head!!!) than usual. And when people stand around waiting for me to finish a conversation before they need instruction (because I’m a director of a play right now and multi-tasking multiple conversations is the soup du jour de rigeur), it just don’t rattle my ass!!!! Normally, if I know someone is waiting on me to finish… that makes me very nervous and antsy and I feel the need to put on a song and dance to keep everyone entertained. But today? I didn’t care. I realized that the world goes on and it doesn’t need me to keep gyrating in front of it. that the world doesn’t depend on me entirely. That life can and will go on without me having to stick my finger in every pie. That I can let loose on the reins of life. That I do not have to be an Alfred hitchockian or steven spielsbergian controlling dicktoramus of a dictator. That other people can function fine and do what they need to do without my guidance all the time. That’s a hard thing to accept sometimes. Not being in control all the time. That it’s actually really good to let others do their THANG. Because, you see, my pendulum swings both ways (nuh uh, editor, nuh uh uh…) and I’m either too laid back at times (I know it – I admit it and I’m not ashamed to admit it) or I can overcompensate at times by being toooooooooooooooo CONTROLLING so to find a happy medium and still not worry about others think of me is a pleasure to behold and experience and inhabit and embed and assimilate and to remind and remind and remind and remind and remind myself TO GET MORE FUCKING ASSHOLE GODDAMMIT SLEEP.