Sleep is my new drug of choice. I have gone without enough sleep for too fucking long. Seriously. For almost like the last 9 years – except for summertime (long story) – I have skipped on sleep in order to keep up with various demands for far too fucking long. I’m done with it. seriously fucking done with it. I am done because I realized the vicious cycle that it is. You don’t get enough sleep and then you don’t ‘perform’ as well the next day which makes you a bit grumpier about things than usual and then you stay up at night dwelling on shit that could have gone better because you want at least some part of the day to go ‘your way’ and thusly you don’t get enough sleep again and the cycle repeats. I’m not saying this is how my whole life has been the past 9 years but… there have been days like this. and it can add up. And…

The flip side is so much better. Actually getting sleep. Actually taking care of yourself. Because then you have the energy you need at the beginning of the day to get things done and to face whatever challenges come your way. and sleep deprivation is one of those things that people like to parade around with their ‘coolness’ factor. Moi included. “oh!!! I was working sooooo hard!!! I didn’t get enough sleep!!!” but the fact is you are a much cooler human being when you are a sane human being, a human being that can think creatively and not snap at the merest thing and getting enough sleep DOES THAT FOR YOU!

It’s not easy forcing myself to go to sleep on time. I want to catch up on all the things I can’t do when everyone else is awake and wanting/needing things from me. finally, late at night, nobody wants anything from me. the world seems to understand that it’s bedtime and people just need to stop making demands. It’s like a universal unwritten rule and I like it. I remember when I was in 5th grade, living in cobalt, Connecticut, and I remember the funny feeling of being awake late at night when no one else was awake. It was a bit of a scary feeling but also an exhilarating one. I felt powerful knowing that everyone in the house was asleep but I was still awake. I felt like the king/queen of the castle {even children’s games are gendered. Lord}.

You don’t realize how much you need something until it’s gone. Or been gone a long ass time. Like exercise. Like sleep. Like…. Duh!!! Sex…Like anything. You do without it for so long that you just get used to that icky, dried up feeling. And then, you get it. and like the sun coming out after day upon day upon day upon day of greyness and wetness and cloud cover, you don’t realize what a fog state your brain has been in until the sky is now clear and you can see farther than the end of your nose.

Sleep is like a drug. Sleep is a drug that I want to make sure I take every day. Sleep is the most underappreciated friend in your group of friends. Sleep is the secret sauce, the underground river leading to the fountain of youth. Sleep may seem pointless and it may feel like life is being wasted as you sleep it away but really… you’ll enjoy your life so much more if you get it. trite but true. And so easy to dismiss as being too obvious to spend any time thinking about it. but when I finally turn off all the gadgets and gizmos, turn off my lights, shut the door, lay there with my dawgies, look up at the night sky upside down through my window and feel the quiet and let my mind drift wherever it wants to rather than wherever it is being told to go, I am finally really free and I’m finally myself again.


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