rough and not ready

sorry but i’m really going to do next to nothing to tidy this blog post up. I am in a particularly lazy mood and whatever drivel comes dribbling outta my mouth is spilling onto this page/screen. [‘spilling onto a screen’ just doesn’t have the same bite, does it? I will never get used to computers.]

anyway, thought of the day: sometimes I talk too much. sometimes not enough. maybe everyone feels this way but I feel it big time. all the time. I either don’t feel one smidgeon of inspiration to say a word to people and any effort to speak seems completely boring to me. or I can’t stop foaming at the mouth with my ideas and I pretty much obliterate anyone else’s chance to speak because I get so excited about what i’m saying. according to a recent article I read about ‘boring people,’ that sounds like I would qualify as a boring person: someone who goes on monologues (like i’m doing here in a blog) without much ability to notice if anyone is listening anymore or cares. or, the other extreme, someone who has very little interesting to say in most situations.

well, i’m one of those people who is anti-fads. when everyone started loving star wars, or star trek, or twilight, or harry potter, I go running/fleeing/screaming in the other direction. I can’t stand being part of a self-identified group all holding their signs saying that they are loyal to [fill in the blank of current trending novel/movie/celebrity]. something in me recoils. so… when it comes to social situations, I either am ready to be gung ho into it and stay on top of that wave and ride it all the way into shore (thus talking a lot and wearing myself, and probably everybody else, out) or… I give up and just bob up and down in the water out there, way out there, probably too far out there. now of course all of this is probably a distortion of my mind. it’s just me being self conscious and overthinking, but who knows. maybe there is some truth in it.

so somewhere in between… the give and take of a good conversation… somehow that passed me by growing up and i’m only just barely getting good at it now. it doesn’t help that i’m a teacher and I have to go on monologue like rants sometimes just to get all the info out there but I try not to as much as I can. I try to have dialogues with my students. basically there is something in me that is like a counterweight. when people have diarrhea of the mouth, I tend to clam up. I have little to no desire to outspeak them. i’d rather observe. when people tend to say next to nothing, I speak too much to fill up the void. that’s the essence of it really. I don’t know if that is a bad or good quality. should I be more aggressive about it and just jump on top of that wave and outtalk the talkers? or is laying low and letting people chill on their own and then speaking the best response? I don’t know. of course there are no pat answers. just a willingness to try out different ways of being and not getting stuck thinking that one way is the right way.

I was having a conversation with two people today. one who was domineering. the other who was very passive. I found it interesting that the passive person let the dominant person go on and on and spout all of their ideas. and then when it came time for the passive person to speak their mind, they surprised me by actually not simply absorbing the opinion of the loudmouth. I guess passive doesn’t always have to mean opinionless. it just means that you don’t care to share your opinion at that time. or, better yet, you’re formulating your own unique response in the quiet recesses of your mind and when the coast is clear, you will come out to play.



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