This morning I woke up and didn’t want to move. And then I had to move. So I did. And I realized that the only way I was going to be able to keep moving was if I moved slowly, so I did. I thought to myself, ‘ok, I don’t want to wake up let alone make breakfast but at least I can do all of this shit at my own pace. Even if it’s a pokeymom pace.’ And that worked. I took back a teensy bit of control in my life.
I think life drags on when you feel powerless, with no choices anymore. So I’m trying to change that. I have a choice whether to wear the somewhat shredded pair of jeans but which are more comfortable to wear and yet less professional but kinda hipper at the same time… or…. the spiffed up looking jeans that don’t fit right but they don’t have worn out knees and yet they hug me too much around the waist and make me feel like I’m wearing grandpa pants up to my chest.
[excuse me for a sec while I go and change back into the slightly shredded but hipper pants].
[ok I’m back.]
Speaking of which, I am so lazy when it comes to buying clothes that once I find some pair of jeans that actually fit, I will go to any lengths to find that same pair of jeans online and order several more. Is it just me? Or does shopping for pants suck? I mean, you can buy a shirt easy. If it’s too big, so what. If it’s too small then you would just never wear it and return it. but with jeans, you keep hoping that they will eventually mold to your body or maybe that they’re too cumbersome to ship back or you like the style so much and they’re the right length and they sort fit your waist well enough. ok look, pants are just more trouble to return than shirts. They just are. I don’t know why.
Why am I talking about this stuff? Because it’s the little things that make you happy or not. It’s not the big stuff. It’s the little stuff. That’s why comedians nitpick and make jokes about little grievances we have about airplane rides or cats wearing booties on their paws. Little stuff can piss you off or lift you up.
When I’m teaching, people always want to ramrod right to the big questions. Nobody wants to take their time anymore to know a subject inch by inch. Detail by detail. We are all running short on time. Nobody sews anymore. Nobody cooks anymore. Ok, some people but so many don’t. fast. Fast. Fast. Everything is instantaneous. Nobody washes dishes by hand. Nobody writes letters by hand. Nobody walks five miles to school in the morning. Ok maybe some random forest dweller who is homeschooled but not many. So the only way to get back at ‘the man’ or ‘the machine’ or whatever you want to call it, is to slow down and focus on the little shit.
And so I try to although I can easily get caught up in the rat race too. It’s hard not to. I admit it. I don’t want to be uncool. I don’t want to be ‘slow.’ I don’t want to be last all the time. But what I’ve found is being last has its perks. You get to have the bigger picture. You get to be alone more, yes, but you also get a bit more peace on this earth before you end up down in it.