productive

this is going to be a negative then positive then negative then positive then really positive then kinda negative then hopefully positive sorta post.

(negative) i am fucking sick and tired of being productive. my god. it’s ridiculous. i look around and it’s fucking unreal how much i have to do sometimes. unreal. how much shit there is to pick up. how much organizing needs to be done, bills to pay, schedules to keep in order, roofs to fix, cars to wash, just shit shit shit shit shit to do. and i try to do it and i try to keep up and it’s pretty much fucking impossible.

(positive) i have summers off.

(negative) so much shit to do. it’s unreal. and the only true time of the day that is mine is the end of the day and then i could stay up too late and be tired the next day and then it all gets that much harder.

(positive) it’s my choice. i don’t have to do all of this shit. i can pick and choose what shit i want to clean up and organize. i can accept the fact that eventually some of it will get done and maybe there is so much shit to do in order for me to relax my sphincter and get used to things not having to be perfect all the time and maybe that’s my lesson in life.

(really positive) i’m healthy. i know what i like. i know what makes me happy. and i know how to get back to a happy place when i’m not so happy. i am lucky. i have lots of good things and people and animals and memories and mammaries and accents that i can do if i really need a pick me up. i am independent. i know how to self talk myself back to sanity. i like people in general and i enjoy little things most of the time. my biggest dream is to have nothing but a backpack and a way to travel and write. it doesn’t take much to make me happy generally so generally i’m pretty damn happy as long as i don’t have to do too much so…

(kinda negative) why the fuck do i put too much on my plate? i need to back that shit up and just chillax. i will. i’m learning how to say ‘no.’ how to say ‘no’ to too many tasks, opportunities, jobs, offers, emails, shemails, duties, guilt trips.

(hopefully positive sorta) stop being productive. be productive by telling yourself mantras to not be so produtive. ‘chillax relax chillax relax stop being productive relax chillax do what you want not what you have to do relax chillax all work and no play makes everyone a dullard relax chillax no worries relax life is too short to spend it on stupid stuff relax chillax relax chillax nothing good ever came from trying too hard to push that baby of creativity and joy into reality. just let it come on its own accord and relax chillax let go of the worry let in the chillax relax chillax relax. ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmm’

where is the magic of life? it’s up to you to find it. and if you can’t find it, it’s because you’re haven’t found the right way to look at it.

 

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