i don’t know what patience is, but i do know that i don’t have it. which is ironic because so many people often tell me, ‘you seem so calm.’ well, i’m anything but most of the time. i’m just a good actor (not an actress….i don’t believe in diminutives). yeah i don’t have it. i haven’t had it ever since the day i was sitting on a bus going to our lady of malibu elementary school and i realized that when i finally grew up and had my own place i could eat all the chocolate i wanted. nobody could tell me ‘no’ again and then…. i grew up. and realized that ‘I’ needed to be able to tell me ‘no’ and i just don’t like telling myself ‘no.’ but i do. generally. kinda sorta.
i was trying to find something on the internet today that would tell me how to cultivate patience. needless to say i ran out of patience. there were articles that talked about serotonin levels and hints at the effectiveness of meditation. but really. are you born with a certain aptitude? can it be learned? can you grow the brain matter that will allow you to be more patient? is it really a good thing to be more patient?
so yeah. self talk. still, i think, the biggest reason why i run out of it. and how, if ever, i am able to get it back.
the stories that fill our heads. that we will our heads with. you can lift yourself up. or not. you can have sympathy for yourself or others. or not. you can have a sense of humor about the absurdity of it all. or not. and you can get enough sleep, exercise, and eating well. or not.
here goes a typical example. let’s say it’s friday night. i have plans. they end up falling through for whatever reason. i don’t end up going anywhere a) because some plans fell apart and b) i’ve decided i’m too tired to do anything but then c) i start to think ‘woe is me’ because i’m not out going anywhere on friday night which seems to be the one night that if you are not out doing something then something must be wrong with you. but it’s all ridiculous right? it’s just a day. it’s a day that could be any other day. it’s a day that our culture has decided is the day to go out and par-tay. it could have been wednesday but no it’s friday. it’s all in your head. that’s the point. it’s like not having anywhere to go on christmas or thanksgiving. it just ain’t right. but all of that is silly really. it shouldn’t have to be that way.
i could have done something amazing that day even. i could have had a three hour massage of my feet alone but put me alone in my house on a friday night and i can barely contain my rage at the injustice of the world.