ok, i’m going to be very honest this time. as opposed to other times. just kidding. we all know (ok, i know, the ‘royal we’ but still… this is kinda true) that most people don’t want to read a bunch of negative shitola. who wants to hear it right? who wants to sit there and listen to somebody whine ad nauseum. and it’s true. i’m the same way. if somebody posts something negative on fb, 9 times out of 10 i will probably skip over it unless it’s someone very near and dear. and even then…. just kidding.
so yeah, nobody wants to be in a negative head space. i hope. but still, you have to own it in order to move forward. so i am owning it right now. and since i don’t want to necessarily add to the frou frou idealized world perpetuated by facebook by many folks (including me including me always having to be ‘happy’ and ‘on’), then i’m going to do an about-face and get more real. not that real is always negative. but real as in ‘the rest of the real that doesn’t get heard of enough but if we don’t acknowledge all of it then how are we going to appreciate the fun part of real.’ right?
so here it is. i hate cleaning. ok, that’s a no brainer. i hate going to the store. ok, i don’t always hate it but i get tired of it and i’m tired of always going to the same store. and when i try to switch it up and go to other stores, it’s really not any different. i want someone to just deliver what i need to the house so i can lounge around more and maybe even… clean.
i hate taking care of the yard. i really hate it. i don’t know why or how people enjoy gardening. no offense to my gardening folks. i admire the hell outta ya. but i am around this house enough cleaning and cooking in it. i don’t want to weed the flowerbeds and seed the lawn and paint fences on top of it. i want a tiny house that requires little to no maintenance so i can get off my fucking hiney and travel.
i used to be a very organized kid. very organized. anally retentive organized. i would parcel out my time in little timeslots to do homework on an org chart. i would arrange and rearrange trinkets on my shelves like a mini museum. i would also play dress up and go through way too many clothes and i could make messes for sure but yeah pretty organized. now? there is no way i can stay organized so i barely keep up or want to try to keep up. i still do but i always feel like i’m falling short. who the fuck cares right? but it’s an annoying nagging feeling not ever being able to keep things the way i used to keep them. oh well. whatevah.
i know i’m supposed to list the things i’m grateful for in order to be happy right now but first i have to purge the urge. i have to let go of the negativity in order to make room for positivity.
i wish i was back in college sometimes just aimlessly strolling around campus debating whether to go to class or not. i wish i was traveling with just a backpack on my back. i wish i was 10 years old again and ambling around my neighborhood pretending i was ‘harriet the spy.’ i wish i wish i wish. but i’m also glad to be where i’m at.
i like…. hmmm….i like…… my new way of making coffee which is simply with a filter in a cup and you pour water over it (pour over – yes i know the term but i like describing it because it’s fun). i like the fact that i think i might have found a way to write songs again. i have had a mental block against writing songs for a long time. the same mental block i have against throwing a frisbee but i don’t care anymore what people think of my lyrics. they can go suck a donkey’s earwax for all i care. i like making up shit and i’m gonna do it. i like making people laugh and if i can make myself laugh i feel really victorious because i never thought i could make myself laugh but i am doing it more and more lately and i take that as a good sign. i like dying my hair. i like shocking people. i like being left alone when i want to be alone. i like space. i like running into random people when i have time to chat. i like having zero agenda and doing whatever the hell i want as if i’m retired but i’m not. i like writing whatever shit floats into my head. i like getting into other people’s heads. i like trying to understand my mind anyone’s mind i like putting words to the chaos in my brain because it helps me understand other people’s chaos as well. i like saying this stuff and if it inspires anyone else even a tad to open up a teensy bit more and unleash some of their nonsense then that feels good too because i know how stultifying and claustrophobic it can feel to never let out any of the shit floating around in your head.
and negative stuff. i think if you go around trying to be positive all the time, it’s a good thing. most of the time. i mean… it’s really true. there are many ways and points in the day where if i don’t have a positive comeback for the shit that gets thrown my way then i would be buried in shit. (and cussing relieves stress btw). but if you do this all the time, then the shit builds up on its own and when you finally let your hair down (like i’m doing now), you have a lot of shit to unpack. so it’s best to try to ventilate and purge some of it when you can along the way.
there is no answer or quick fix solution to any of this. there’s just the realization that you can talk your way (in your head or aloud or on paper or on a screen) back to sanity. sometimes all it takes is a swift loving kick in the pants to jumpstart your life again. sometimes it takes a lot of patience. sometimes it takes a shot of tequila and a lot of dancing. sometimes it takes getting out of your house and going for a long walk (on a short pier, sorry had to say it). sometimes it takes walking very slowly and quietly. sometimes it takes getting enough sleep. sometimes well most of the time it involves opening up to someone or yourself or your cat or dog. sometimes… it takes time to quiet down your mind to listen to what you need to do to take better care of yourself.