i probably shouldn’t write late at night because, they say, it’s often harder to be positive late at night. i’ve heard different theories as to why but basically it boils down to this. that we have more energy in the morning and so we can think more clearly and be more generous in our estimation of things (e.g. don’t see a judge in the afternoon or evening; get your sentence early in the morning when they’re more likely to be lenient). so i think the same goes with one’s thinking late at night. it’s easier to schlump into negative patterns. BUT….. it is my firm belief that talking/writing it out will get you somewhere good eventually AND (i’m stealing this from the youtube series ‘the school of life,’ it’s often late at night that we finally confront the deeper questions that we so easily slide over during the day and if we haven’t stopped enough during the day to think about the deeper, bigger questions then we will be plagued by them at night. big existential questions. hence, insomnia apparently can be partly caused by a very big avoidance of the big questions during the day.
anyhoo, here it goes. what have i learned today? what makes this day different or better or worse than any other? to be really morbid, i am one day closer to…. yikes!!… so what did i get out of today?
i have learned this:that i have to keep reminding myself to slow down. that i can literally talk out loud and turn my thinking around to positive thinking or i can think myself back to positive thinking in my mind when things get shitty or even slightly shitty. and it really does help having your own cheerleader squad in your brain and i believe the more you practice having one, the better you will feel overall in general in the long term.
that sleep is good. i need to get to sleep soon. i started out the day on the wrong foot with less sleep but i eventually i got on the right foot but now it’s catching up with me and no matter how hard i try to practice being positive, the negativity is going to creep in if i don’t get some rest soon.
that i need to plant my energy where it will be nourished and supported the most. there is only so much energy in a human body. put it where it will take root and flourish the most, otherwise what the fuck are you doing?
who or what sustains you? you can only give so much before you have to restore yourself so you might as well have it figured out where you are getting your strength from and safeguard it. maybe it’s a certain writer? maybe it’s time alone? maybe it’s silly pointless books about nonsensical factoids? maybe it’s someone who ‘gets’ your sense of humor like no other and eggs you on? maybe it’s chai yogurt? maybe it’s a friend you haven’t seen in decades but who is at a similar juncture in their life and understands where you’re coming from? maybe it’s taking a walk and muttering under your breath until you’ve figured it all out? maybe it’s traveling to silly destinations with your kids just so you’re stuck in the car together long enough to reconnect?
tomorrow my positive affirmation that i will tell and retell myself all day is… ‘you’re fine. everything is ok. you’re more than enough. life is good. it’s fun to laugh. laugh some more. and now some more. be silly. be sillier. be yourself. when you are yourself, others are encouraged to be themselves. be yourself and the people whose energy jives naturally with yours will fall into place. know yourself. be true to yourself. stand back and see the bigger picture. take a deep breath. time and space and more time and space will make it all clear. you’re fine and you’re right where you need to be and enjoy the ride and enjoy the view and write and write and write even if no one has energy left to listen or read just write…. and write…. and write….’
p.s. sorry but i do know how to capitalize letters but i choose not to based on a) an article i read by german director/playwright bertolt brecht many many years ago, and b) natalie goldberg, a writer who espoused the virtues of not worrying about perfection with handwriting and punctuation and capitalization but rather ‘get it all out’ and stop trying to be perfect. oh and c) jack kerouac who was one of my favorite proponents of stream of consciousness drivel but there’s also virginia woolf and james joyce and william faulkner and more more more.