productive

this is going to be a negative then positive then negative then positive then really positive then kinda negative then hopefully positive sorta post.

(negative) i am fucking sick and tired of being productive. my god. it’s ridiculous. i look around and it’s fucking unreal how much i have to do sometimes. unreal. how much shit there is to pick up. how much organizing needs to be done, bills to pay, schedules to keep in order, roofs to fix, cars to wash, just shit shit shit shit shit to do. and i try to do it and i try to keep up and it’s pretty much fucking impossible.

(positive) i have summers off.

(negative) so much shit to do. it’s unreal. and the only true time of the day that is mine is the end of the day and then i could stay up too late and be tired the next day and then it all gets that much harder.

(positive) it’s my choice. i don’t have to do all of this shit. i can pick and choose what shit i want to clean up and organize. i can accept the fact that eventually some of it will get done and maybe there is so much shit to do in order for me to relax my sphincter and get used to things not having to be perfect all the time and maybe that’s my lesson in life.

(really positive) i’m healthy. i know what i like. i know what makes me happy. and i know how to get back to a happy place when i’m not so happy. i am lucky. i have lots of good things and people and animals and memories and mammaries and accents that i can do if i really need a pick me up. i am independent. i know how to self talk myself back to sanity. i like people in general and i enjoy little things most of the time. my biggest dream is to have nothing but a backpack and a way to travel and write. it doesn’t take much to make me happy generally so generally i’m pretty damn happy as long as i don’t have to do too much so…

(kinda negative) why the fuck do i put too much on my plate? i need to back that shit up and just chillax. i will. i’m learning how to say ‘no.’ how to say ‘no’ to too many tasks, opportunities, jobs, offers, emails, shemails, duties, guilt trips.

(hopefully positive sorta) stop being productive. be productive by telling yourself mantras to not be so produtive. ‘chillax relax chillax relax stop being productive relax chillax do what you want not what you have to do relax chillax all work and no play makes everyone a dullard relax chillax no worries relax life is too short to spend it on stupid stuff relax chillax relax chillax nothing good ever came from trying too hard to push that baby of creativity and joy into reality. just let it come on its own accord and relax chillax let go of the worry let in the chillax relax chillax relax. ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmm’

where is the magic of life? it’s up to you to find it. and if you can’t find it, it’s because you’re haven’t found the right way to look at it.

 

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things

when i was about 7 years old, i remember driving somewhere in canada with my family. it was raining and nighttime and i was laying in the back of my dad’s volvo. i loved laying back there, knowing full well i normally would have had to have had my seatbelt on. but this time for some reason i didn’t have to and i felt happy and free.

and then, as i lay there with my socks off and my feet resting happily on the window of the trunk door, i suddenly got up. i don’t know why. the car had stopped at a light i think and i decided to sit up and see where we were. and then….

the finger pointing and the laughter. all i remember is people laughing and pointing their fingers at me and my feet and i sat there stunned wondering what i had done to deserve this. and then i realized what i had done to deserve this and i got pissed and hid in the trunk of the car.

i thought to myself, ‘what small minded people! what’s wrong with them! why can’t a person lay down with their feet on the back of the station wagon window?’ and then i realized that you can’t change what people laugh at. they’re going to laugh at what they’re going to laugh at.

and now whenever i see people with their feet stuck to the window, i have to laugh, too.

patience

i don’t know what patience is, but i do know that i don’t have it. which is ironic because so many people often tell me, ‘you seem so calm.’ well, i’m anything but most of the time. i’m just a good actor (not an actress….i don’t believe in diminutives). yeah i don’t have it. i haven’t had it ever since the day i was sitting on a bus going to our lady of malibu elementary school and i realized that when i finally grew up and had my own place i could eat all the chocolate i wanted. nobody could tell me ‘no’ again and then…. i grew up. and realized that ‘I’ needed to be able to tell me ‘no’ and i just don’t like telling myself ‘no.’ but i do. generally. kinda sorta.

i was trying to find something on the internet today that would tell me how to cultivate patience. needless to say i ran out of patience. there were articles that talked about serotonin levels and hints at the effectiveness of meditation. but really. are you born with a certain aptitude? can it be learned? can you grow the brain matter that will allow you to be more patient? is it really a good thing to be more patient?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-zesty-self/201109/four-steps-developing-patience

so yeah. self talk. still, i think, the biggest reason why i run out of it. and how, if ever, i am able to get it back.

the stories that fill our heads. that we will our heads with. you can lift yourself up. or not. you can have sympathy for yourself or others. or not. you can have a sense of humor about the absurdity of it all. or not. and you can get enough sleep, exercise, and eating well. or not.

here goes a typical example. let’s say it’s friday night. i have plans. they end up falling through for whatever reason. i don’t end up going anywhere a) because some plans fell apart and b) i’ve decided i’m too tired to do anything but then c) i start to think ‘woe is me’ because i’m not out going anywhere on friday night which seems to be the one night that if you are not out doing something then something must be wrong with you. but it’s all ridiculous right? it’s just a day. it’s a day that could be any other day. it’s a day that our culture has decided is the day to go out and par-tay. it could have been wednesday but no it’s friday. it’s all in your head. that’s the point. it’s like not having anywhere to go on christmas or thanksgiving. it just ain’t right. but all of that is silly really. it shouldn’t have to be that way.

i could have done something amazing that day even. i could have had a three hour massage of my feet alone but put me alone in my house on a friday night and i can barely contain my rage at the injustice of the world.

 

 

 

doesn’t make a whole lotta sense

ok so it’s late, i’m tired and it probably doesn’t make a lotta sense (i know – not proper english but it’s fun to write) to write (haha two ‘to write’s in a row) when i’m this pooped but i’m also fascinated by the mind in all of its shades of glory and despair (ok i’m not despair ridden but i am a thespian) and i’m interested in what happens to one’s mind in various contexts. so i’m tired. and yet all day long i have barely been able to let myself lay down and take a nap. why? because i feel like i’m losing time when i take naps. so much to do! so much i always want to do. why take a nap? it’s boring.

even though logically i would feel better when i wake up and be able to enjoy the day even more, but still.

so when i’m this tired (due to starting a new school year, directing a play, and staying up too late performing and yapping and swilling), i don’t think very well. it takes me longer to understand anything. and it’s also easier to fall prey to being negative. but i find if i just acknowledge my fatigue to myself and anyone around me i start to feel better because i am giving myself permission to be this loopy.

i am fascinated with the mind. my mind. anyone’s mind. the directions that it goes. how you can go from one thought to what may seem like a completely different thought but if you broke it down for someone they would understand how your mind went from ‘goat fucking’ (it’s true – don’t ask, it’s from a play) to australian cheese to not enjoying eating potatoes as a child to wayne and kirby, the blond swedish kids at the end our street, to cul de sac, to living on a dead end street and how psychologists say that can make you live a ‘dead end life.’ see? negative. but i don’t feel negative. i think it’s pretty funny actually. so yeah, i could explain how i got from ‘goat fucking’ to ‘dead end life’ but yeah. i won’t. it might bore you. or maybe it won’t? hell, i don’t know. maybe i’ll try for just a bit.

so you see we were rehearsing a play tonight where the character talks about fucking a goat and then we had a lot of fun imagining how that would happen and when i think of goats i think of goat cheese and i just bought this really nice australian cheese this week (in fact i just had some) and so i thought of the bar of cheese which made me think of my english/australian aunt and her friend who are coming back to town which makes me think of my mother (her sister) and then i think of canada and i remember sitting at our dining table and not wanting to eat potatoes…. and so on and so forth.

the mind is a jumpy thing. and then i think of the video i watched this morning about male vs. female orgasms but an even better video i watched was on why people are surprised when beautiful people are jerks and how it’s like the difference between foods that are healthy for you vs. foods that are tasty. our mind is always drawn to the beautiful people (the tasty food) and it’s easy to ignore the less attractive (healthy) so our minds are more focused on the pretty people and we tend to overlook the unattractive and mean people. so we think there is a preponderance of beautiful people who are jerks when in reality there are equal numbers in both camps. ok my mind is not doing this video justice but with some math and some graphs, they made it look like it had a lot of sense.

so now my english is just deteriorating completely so i really am going to get some shuteye, zoinks, shaggy and scooby, sleep, but not before i read a bit more of ‘moth’ this amazing book about people doing live storytelling which is so awesome and which inspires me to keep writing my story and to encourage other people to tell their stories because we all have so many interesting parts of our lives. why let them be submerged by time and forgetfulness?

 

 

 

 

 

 

each person

ok this is a learning moment. every time I teach – and i’m going to get cheesy now so just bear with me – every time, every new quarter I learn something. I pretty much learn something (as we all do, I suppose) from each person I teach. some more than others. some test me more than others. some people I test more than others. but yeah.

i had this student once who was really good at facing life head on. no looking back. this person tested my limits because I CAN think too much at times, be too cautious… while, surprisingly, at other times I’ve gotten very good at throwing caution to the wind. however, I can throw it too much to the window and it ends up landing in my face so there is a happy medium. there is a way to be fearless and brave and face things and yet also have some common sense knockin around in that noggin.

i’m done living in the past. I want to live in the present. i’m done with living in the future fantasy land, too. I want to live in the present and living in the present requires facing things head on. not in a collision sorta way but there is a moment to face things and then there is a moment that that previous moment passed over and you’re done. of course you can try to go back to that moment and sometimes that is possible but ultimately, why do that? just be there in the present and deal with things.

I had this one student once who, when asked if he ever wrote in a journal, said ‘no’ and when prompted to explain why he said, ‘because if you are really living then you don’t have time to write about it and I want to really be living.’ I admire that and I appreciate it. i’m not sure if I could ever entirely do that because for me writing is not necessarily about living in the past. it’s about savoring the past so that when you come back to the present then you are noticing more because you allowed your senses to be more heightened and aware. so much of life passes you by. it takes time to take it all in. reflecting is a good way to do that and I think it can be good practice for when you go batter up to the present again. sure you can do it too much and think too hard and wait too long. there is a balance. and maybe some people just reflect in their mind or with a friend but I think, yeah, i’m sure it happens somewhere for this person who says they would never want to write in a journal. but ideally the goal is to get back to the present. maybe not. who knows. but that is where my mind is at now. facing the present. i’m going to go face it right now.

cheese and rain

right now i’m eating cheese – australian cheese, in fact – and tomato (you have to say ‘tomahhtoh’) on gluten free raisin toast. i know, sounds weird but it’s good. and it’s raining outside. both of these things combined remind me of living in jolly ole england as a teenager. i lived there for one year with my parents in a flat on redcliffe road in london and i went to a catholic girls’ school there. i’d get on the bus with my black (weird – why would any school put a child in black – so depressing) uniform skirt and knee hi socks and black blazer and white oxford shirt and my backpack and a few pounds in coins for a snackie poo and i’d sit on several underground tubes and overground buses until i arrived. i liked living in england. i wanted an english accent but i never got one.

i am thinking of this right now because for some reason i want to be anywhere but here right now. not that where i am is bad. i like where i am. i like my job. i like my friends. i like my family. i like my pets. i like my car. but i like to escape. and with no apologies right now – no more, at least – i am going to imagine the perfect world i’d live in right now if i could live another life right now. here. this second. immediately.

i would live on a farm. and that’s all i’d do. have a lot of animals. i’d have someone i could rely on to take care of the animals when i wanted to get away. and i’d get away a lot. but i’d have a big farm. i’d have chickens, horses, dogs, cats, goats for goat milk, maybe one cow for cow’s milk. i’d have a lot of land to ride my horse on. i’d have people living there to help me take care of all the animals. friends who like animals, too. it would be a commune of sorts. i’d have a permanent cook so i wouldn’t have to cook anything unless i felt like it. i’d have people taking care of a garden so we’d have fresh veggies and fruits but if no one wanted to do that then we’d just buy them from somewhere. no stress. i love gardens but i don’t like taking care of them. i like animals more. i would have a quiet place to write. and i would know people in town who liked to get crazy and put on plays. hell maybe they’d even live on the commune, too. and we could put on the plays right there on the farm in an outdoor theatre. maybe with a roof of some kind on it. a gazebo. but nothing fancy. just functional. feng shui.

when i would decide that i needed to get away, other people on the farm/commune could keep it all going and i’d go wherever. i’d drive and drive. or maybe i’d fly to a new town several states away that i’d never been to. or i’d have my passport ready and go to mexico or canada or somewhere in south america. i don’t know where but i’d know someone who would recommend a good place to go.

i would bring people with me who felt like going or i would go on my own . i might go with someone and then they might want to do their own thing after a while, or i might want to, so we wouldn’t have to do the whole trip together if we needed to explore on our own. either way. it would be chill.

and i’d even have time to paint sometimes.

and i’d take a lot of pictures.

and my kids would come if they want. or just one of them. or both of them. or they both might stay at the commune and just hang out and play with the animals and their friends or on their own.

and every day so many big and little cool new discoveries would be made that i’d barely have time to keep track of them but it would be worth a shot.

and that’s what i would do if i could live another life right now.

 

 

 

negativity

14355086_1293474607359424_750845361597734105_nok, i’m going to be very honest this time. as opposed to other times. just kidding. we all know (ok, i know, the ‘royal we’ but still… this is kinda true) that most people don’t want to read a bunch of negative shitola. who wants to hear it right? who wants to sit there and listen to somebody whine ad nauseum. and it’s true. i’m the same way. if somebody posts something negative on fb, 9 times out of 10 i will probably skip over it unless it’s someone very near and dear. and even then…. just kidding.

so yeah, nobody wants to be in a negative head space. i hope. but still, you have to own it in order to move forward. so i am owning it right now. and since i don’t want to necessarily add to the frou frou idealized world perpetuated by facebook by many folks (including me including me always having to be ‘happy’ and ‘on’), then i’m going to do an about-face and get more real. not that real is always negative. but real as in ‘the rest of the real that doesn’t get heard of enough but if we don’t acknowledge all of it then how are we going to appreciate the fun part of real.’ right?

so here it is. i hate cleaning. ok, that’s a no brainer. i hate going to the store. ok, i don’t always hate it but i get tired of it and i’m tired of always going to the same store. and when i try to switch it up and go to other stores, it’s really not any different. i want someone to just deliver what i need to the house so i can lounge around more and maybe even… clean.

i hate taking care of the yard. i really hate it. i don’t know why or how people enjoy gardening. no offense to my gardening folks. i admire the hell outta ya. but i am around this house enough cleaning and cooking in it. i don’t want to weed the flowerbeds and seed the lawn and paint fences on top of it. i want a tiny house that requires little to no maintenance so i can get off my fucking hiney and travel.

i used to be a very organized kid. very organized. anally retentive organized. i would parcel out my time in little timeslots to do homework on an org chart. i would arrange and rearrange trinkets on my shelves like a mini museum. i would also play dress up and go through way too many clothes and i could make messes for sure but yeah pretty organized. now? there is no way i can stay organized so i barely keep up or want to try to keep up. i still do but i always feel like i’m falling short. who the fuck cares right? but it’s an annoying nagging feeling not ever being able to keep things the way i used to keep them. oh well. whatevah.

i know i’m supposed to list the things i’m grateful for in order to be happy right now but first i have to purge the urge. i have to let go of the negativity in order to make room for positivity.

i wish i was back in college sometimes just aimlessly strolling around campus debating whether to go to class or not. i wish i was traveling with just a backpack on my back. i wish i was 10 years old again and ambling around my neighborhood pretending i was ‘harriet the spy.’ i wish i wish i wish. but i’m also glad to be where i’m at.

i like…. hmmm….i like…… my new way of making coffee which is simply with a filter in a cup and you pour water over it (pour over – yes i know the term but i like describing it because it’s fun). i like the fact that i think i might have found a way to write songs again. i have had a mental block against writing songs for a long time. the same mental block i have against throwing a frisbee but i don’t care anymore what people think of my lyrics. they can go suck a donkey’s earwax for all i care. i like making up shit and i’m gonna do it. i like making people laugh and if i can make myself laugh i feel really victorious because i never thought i could make myself laugh but i am doing it more and more lately and i take that as a good sign. i like dying my hair. i like shocking people. i like being left alone when i want to be alone. i like space. i like running into random people when i have time to chat. i like having zero agenda and doing whatever the hell i want as if i’m retired but i’m not. i like writing whatever shit floats into my head. i like getting into other people’s heads. i like trying to understand my mind anyone’s mind i like putting words to the  chaos in my brain because it helps me understand other people’s chaos as well. i like saying this stuff and if it inspires anyone else even a tad to open up a teensy bit more and unleash some of their nonsense then that feels good too because i know how stultifying and claustrophobic it can feel to never let out any of the shit floating around in your head.

and negative stuff. i think if you go around trying to be positive all the time, it’s a good thing. most of the time. i mean… it’s really true. there are many ways and points in the day where if i don’t have a positive comeback for the shit that gets thrown my way then i would be buried in shit. (and cussing relieves stress btw). but if you do this all the time, then the shit builds up on its own and when you finally let your hair down (like i’m doing now), you have a lot of shit to unpack. so it’s best to try to ventilate and purge some of it when you can along the way.

there is no answer or quick fix solution to any of this. there’s just the realization that you can talk your way (in your head or aloud or on paper or on a screen) back to sanity. sometimes all it takes is a swift loving kick in the pants to jumpstart your life again. sometimes it takes a lot of patience. sometimes it takes a shot of tequila and a lot of dancing. sometimes it takes getting out of your house and going for a long walk (on a short pier, sorry had to say it). sometimes it takes walking very slowly and quietly. sometimes it takes getting enough sleep. sometimes well most of the time it involves opening up to someone or yourself or your cat or dog. sometimes… it takes time to quiet down your mind to listen to what you need to do to take better care of yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

self love

since i have such hang ups when it comes to accepting the reality that it’s a very healthy thing to love oneself (due to a variety of factors but i blame it mostly on the catholic church’s love of shaming and sexual repression), i am going to do the NY Times test of falling in love with myself by answering 36 questions of myself and then staring into the mirror into my own eyes for 4 minutes to see if it truly works. here it goes.

The 36 Questions That Lead to Love – The New York Times <!–

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1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? WILL FERRELL

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? YES AND AS A SCATHINGLY SCANDALOUS FUNNY PERSON.

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? YES I DO OCCASIONALLY AND I DO IT WHEN I AM EITHER ANGRY OR AFRAID OF THE OTHER PERSON. OR CRUSHING ON THEM.

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? HAVING NO PLAN WHATSOEVER, A LOT OF MONEY, AND A WAY TO TRAVEL WHILE ALSO GETTING EXERCISE AT THE SAME TIME.

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? I SANG TO MYSELF IN THE CAR AND I DO SO PRETTY MUCH EVERY TIME I DRIVE AND I SANG TO MY AUNT THIS MORNING WHO WAS STANDING IN THE STREET. I SANG ‘OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING!’

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? THE MIND.

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? IN MY SLEEP AFTER A LONG NIGHT OF LAUGHTER.

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. WE BOTH LIKE TO LAUGH, WE BOTH THINK MEN NEED TO BE ABLE TO DANCE AND MAKE US LAUGH, AND WE BOTH LIKE TO KISS LOTS OF ANIMALS. EXCEPT FERRETS.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? MY DAD’S SENSE OF HUMOR AND MY MOM’S LOVE OF WRITING.

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? READ MORE AND MORE EXERCISE. CONTRADICTORY I KNOW.

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. i was born in canada, mother died when i was 7, we moved a lot, dad remarried when i was 9, she was a writer, i wanted to be like her, we kept moving a lot, some strife in the family during the teen years, i went to college, parents got divorced, eventually they became friends again, i had a bit too much fun at college, got a bit lost after college, found myself again and ended up in a grad program in art and theatre, vowed never to live in california again, moved to colorado after meeting someone, moved in with them, got really sick with appendicitis, 3 surgeries, moved around a lot again, couldn’t have kids, had to do in vitro to have kids, had kids, moved a lot again, eventually ended up in washington, eventually ended up on my own, eventually learned that it’s ok to be on my own and that being independent is cool and that it’s actually THE ticket to writing because when you’re in a relationship it’s hard to find time to write even though i still wish for it sometimes but i also know that there are many paths and who knows what kind of life will still come my way.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? THE ABILITY TO SAVE MONEY BETTER.

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? WHAT WAS MY FIRST MOTHER LIKE IN MORE DETAIL?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? OF TRAVELING A LOT ALL OVER THE WORLD WITH JUST A BACKPACK ON MY BACK.

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? RAISING KIDS AND NURTURING A PEACEFUL ENVIRONMENT.

16. What do you value most in a friendship? SPACE TO BE SEPARATE BUT ALSO EMOTIONALLY OPEN.

17. What is your most treasured memory? MY PARENTS AND I HUGGING AND LOCKING FOREHEADS TOGETHER IN THE AIRPORT AND OTHER PLACES JUST TO BE SILLY.

18. What is your most terrible memory? I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT. NO THANKS

20. What does friendship mean to you? OPENNESS, HONESTY, SPACE, RESPECT, SENSITIVITY, GENEROSITY, TIME.

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life? IT’S ALWAYS GOOD TO SLOW DOWN AND SAVOR IT WHEN AN OPPORTUNITY IS THERE. HUG! SQUEEZE! KISS! LOVE ON SOMEONE OR SOMETHING IF THE TIME IS RIGHT AND THEY ARE OPEN TO IT AND YOU ARE, TOO, BUT IF NOT A SMILE OR A LAUGH CAN ALSO REACH THROUGH THE ICE.

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items. NICE SMILE, HAPPY LAUGH, OPEN HEART, SARCASTIC GLEE, GENEROUS SPIRITED

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? QUITE CLOSE AND WITH THAT CHARACTERISTIC SLAVIC WARMTH. YES I DO THINK IT WAS HAPPY BUT I ALSO THINK PEOPLE UNDERVALUE WHAT THEY HAD. JUST BECAUSE YOU MIGHT HAVE ARGUED AT TIMES DOESN’T MEAN YOU DIDN’T LOVE EACH OTHER.

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? I HAD TWO. I LOVED THEM EQUALLY.

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “ WE NEED TIME AND SPACE TO THINK AND DECOMPRESS REGULARLY. WE NEED EXERCISE AND GOOD FOOD. WE NEED PEOPLE WHO MAKE US LAUGH. WE NEED TO HAVE FRIENDS TO MAKE LAUGH. WE NEED TO SAY ‘NO MORE OFTEN TO TASKS AND PERFECTION. (OK I DID FIVE, SO SUE ME)

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “ MY INNERMOST THOUGHTS.

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. THAT I DON’T WANT TO BE ‘ON’ ALL THE TIME.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met. YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL IN AN INGRID BERGMAN SORT OF WAY. YOU’RE CHARMING IN A DON JUAN SORT OF WAY. AND YOU HAVE A SEXY SNEAKY SORT OF SMILE.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. I MISSED THE FIRST DAY OF TEACHING ONCE BECAUSE I GOT THE DAY WRONG ON MY CALENDAR.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? I LAST CRIED IN FRONT OF MY NIECE. I LAST CRIED BY MYSELF LATE AT NIGHT ABOUT A WEEK AGO.

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already. I LIKE HOW BOLD YOU ARE.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? AIDS.

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet? I WOULD REGRET NOT TELLING THIS PERSON THAT THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL AND THEY HAVE NO REASON TO BE JEALOUS OF ANYONE. THEY JUST NEED TO REALIZE THEIR OWN POWER AND ALL WILL BE WELL IN THIS WORLD.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why? MY GUITAR BECAUSE MY DAD GOT IT FOR ME AND IT REPRESENTS THE LOVING POWER OF MUSIC TO TOUCH OUR EMOTIONS AND EVERYONE ELSE’S, TOO.

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? MY DAD’S BECAUSE I DON’T THINK YOU CAN EVER FULLY FATHOM HOW CONNECTED YOU ARE TO YOUR PARENTS UNTIL THEY ARE GONE AND THEY ARE ALWAYS A MYSTERY IN MANY WAYS NO MATTER HOW WELL YOU THINK YOU KNOW THEM.

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen. OK WE ARE TALKING ABOUT IT NOW. I’LL GET BACK TO YOU LATER WITH THE RESULTS.

sleep

I have a really hard time going to sleep.

Not because I don’t like to sleep.

Just because I never want to say goodbye to the day.

Life is too short and sleeping, to me, means one less day on this earth.

Which, I know, is not the happiest thought to have.

But it’s what motivates me to be creative.

And it’s not an unhappy feeling staying up late to be creative.

It’s just the most quiet and introspective part of my day.

I honestly don’t know how anyone does anything at any other time of the day.

I know that if I went to sleep, I’d probably feel even better the next day and have an even better one than the one I just had.

But still I have the hardest time in the world just… letting go…. And letting in sleep. But maybe with this little rant, I will finally do it.

inspired

so here is what I do most of the time….wake up, check facebook too much, watch ‘school of life’ videos all the time, write, remind my kids of things and also try to let them do their thang chick wang and also try to simply enjoy them for who they are, and the animals too. anyhoo, my current fascination continues to be ‘stream of consciousness’ drivel. and now! dah dah dah dahhhhh!!! I finally have found confirmation (in the form of a confirmation bias) that there is a usefulness in all this blither blather. and a ‘school of life’ video told me so. and here it is…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BY6bGhcnDDs

so basically here is their point. much of our life is spent idolizing perfection. we want to become writers because we read someone’s work who was amazing or we want to be a cook because we ate at this restaurant that was amazing. the point is… and I like saying ‘point’…. is that it’s easy to overlook how much work goes into things. it’s easy to get discouraged because everywhere we look is perfection and nobody likes to parade their mistakes around for the world to see. hence…… stream of consciousness drivel dribble drabble. it can be a very refreshing thing to hear or read the meanderings of a person’s mind (I enjoy it when I hear other people ramble… ok at least most of the time) because it reminds us/me that we all go through all sorts of vicissitudes of emotions high and low and it’s ok to feel a plethora a range a cacophony a chaotic murder of thoughts and feelings and random mutterings of the mind. in fact, i’m doing it already. and if we all did this more…. again my point…. and I love saying ‘point’…. maybe we’d all lighten up a bit on each other and stop trying to be so perfect all the time. ok maybe it is good to edit oneself now and then. I mean I have, on more than one occasion even today, put my foot in my mouth and made myself look rather foolish or I almost trampled lightly on someone else’s feelings inadvertently but I guess I still would rather err on the side of imperfection and not stifle one’s expression because the tendency to self censor and then self censor more and more and more is what leads to a whole host of toxic mental and physical illnesses. sure, bastards who unleash all of the fury of their minds on the world are no good. so i’m not talking about spewing hate and if hate is what you feel mostly then maybe you need to put it somewhere else first (like a journal) before you add it to the already somewhat lethal dose of hate out in this world but really it’s ok to own your feelings and why not at least express them more is all i’m saying. thoughts and feelings. as feelings are connected to thoughts and sometimes even though we put our foot in our mouth unwittingly it is possible to 99.9% retract the nonsense from our mouths even if it did just make us look like an ass. it’s the nonsense of thinking that one always has to appear perfect on all social occasions that gets in the way of people simply enjoying living and getting along and being with each other. I knew this woman who was a vegetarian, for example, and she ate a lot of beans. she ate so many beans that most of the time whilst talking to her she usually emitted a fart or two or three. now at first I thought to myself, ‘does she realize she is farting right now and I can hear it?’ and then later I thought to myself, ‘I bet she farts so much that she doesn’t even notice or care that she is farting.’ now i’m not saying that I want to live in a world that is constantly farting or has diarrhea of the mouth (as I seem to have right now) but I am saying that that woman is probably a very healthy woman and I think it applies to our mental state as well. let it out for chrissake goddammit jesus! it’s ok. and even if what you do end up saying that is somewhat ridiculous, well? apologize or explain what you really meant or just simply let it go and unless you just revealed to the world that you believe that Michael Jackson was innocent or that Trump is an intelligent man or that you have never thought puppies or kittens were the least bit adorable then…. fuck it!  it’s not a big deal. let it go. nobody’s perfect and anyone who expects the world to be perfect can go suck a donkey’s hind quarters. end of story.